It feels as if life is coming full circle.
My 8 year old experience where I KNEW I was the doe running with grace through the woods so long ago has been a background experience at best as an adult. I've reflected back upon it periodically since I was very young.
The memory of the experience resurfaced not long ago, while living in my 1200 sq' studio on Germantown Ave in Philly. I felt inexplicably drawn to the deer as subject, which was uncommon enough since the animal I was typically drawn to was large and powerful. In addition my internal image of the self had so much to do with the power and self protection of the wolf, hence my medicine name, Standing Wolf.
I gave myself to this unexpected shift and fleshed out a sweet, delicate figure that felt to me to be the epitome of the feminine doe that was self contained, conscious and waiting. She felt to be pregnant.. though this is a subtle detail that is likely lost on some. She appeared to me to be carrying life within her. She lies with her legs pulled in, resting. Her head is set back with her long, elegant neck somewhat liquid in relaxation while maintaining a sense of awareness.
My impulse.. as the figure developed... was to enclose her in the bars of a seeming cage that were rib bones. She was cast in plaster and I set out a course of construction after weeks of internal battle. "Why on earth would you possibly want to enclose this lovely figure in a cage of bones?" I asked myself. I have learned to trust these quiet whispers and finally gave myself to this realization.
The constructed figure stayed out in the open where I could pass by her day in, day out.. to assess my internal responses to this new idea. It is not all that outlandish if you've seen my assemblage work. But, up until that juncture there were no representational figures associated with the assemblage work. This would be the first time the world of my bronze figures and my constructions would marry.
Finally, one day, it hit me. This luscious, languid form represented my childhood. I remembered the memory of me as an 8 (or so) year old little girl running through the woods as the deer. I could feel her long, delicate legs lifting high to leap the brambles and bushes with ease. I could feel my long, arched neck pull my head back, ears flicking, nostrils flaring as the sweet air rushed into my form, down my long neck, filling my enormous lungs. Every fiber of my being said this was real. It felt real. I KNEW myself to be the deer. In this figure, I tapped again that visceral experience and sat with the essence of it alive within me as I gazed at the figure before me.
What occurred to me next was a huge revelation.
This figure, this peaceful, composed doe was lying within the belly of the wolf. This made complete sense from so many angles I can scarcely explain it in this limited little blog. But, my childhood, with its own style of contrast. Family challenges that were powerful enough for me to avoid going home. The woods were my sanctuary. In the woods I was safe. When I entered them, whatever was happening at home would drop off of me like water beading up and rolling off as I entered the woods. I knew ONLY the woods, only the discovery of that special land that was fueled by my rich imagination.
The nature of myself as individual and perhaps compounded by my family dynamic, I was propelled ever deeper into myself. I was extremely shy. The silence of the woodland was a comforting blanket that felt like home, filled with magic... where any good thing was possible.
Years later, in my forties... in the highest point of struggle when our most powerful rockets of desire are catapulting in every direction, I felt rise within me the primal, flesh tearing force of the wolf alive within me. I feared that aspect of me might do something awful if I did not leave. After exhausting all other options I felt I had no choice but to leave. My very survival seemed to depend upon it. Hence .. the studio.
While in the studio I began to remember who I was and found the gentle, vulnerable self return bit by bit, while the protector within learned, over time that I no longer needed so fierce an exterior. In the process of coming to terms with the wolf within, I learned to love him. Knowing it was the wolf that made it possible to survive childhood trauma, fears and their repercussions. The wolf was becoming my friend.
A step further and I was learning to thrive. It was in that phase of development that the above mentioned sculpture was constructed. Observing her over time, I learned a lot about myself and about the different kinds of power. The entire experience helped me to realize that I had further to go. Now I wanted to take to heart the blending of the two worlds.
As my life evolved around this practice, the (then) wolf at my side, Attah Waya passed, (see origin of this journey in previous posts) and this travel journey was brought to life.
Now, three years later I sit on a mountaintop in Northern California contemplating the countless deer, buck and other wild life that pass through our property and hang out, eating apples from our trees daily. They bed down on the hillside just outside my kitchen window.
The volume of wildlife that make up the living expression of abundance that flows on this mountain
My 8 year old experience where I KNEW I was the doe running with grace through the woods so long ago has been a background experience at best as an adult. I've reflected back upon it periodically since I was very young.
The memory of the experience resurfaced not long ago, while living in my 1200 sq' studio on Germantown Ave in Philly. I felt inexplicably drawn to the deer as subject, which was uncommon enough since the animal I was typically drawn to was large and powerful. In addition my internal image of the self had so much to do with the power and self protection of the wolf, hence my medicine name, Standing Wolf.
I gave myself to this unexpected shift and fleshed out a sweet, delicate figure that felt to me to be the epitome of the feminine doe that was self contained, conscious and waiting. She felt to be pregnant.. though this is a subtle detail that is likely lost on some. She appeared to me to be carrying life within her. She lies with her legs pulled in, resting. Her head is set back with her long, elegant neck somewhat liquid in relaxation while maintaining a sense of awareness.
My impulse.. as the figure developed... was to enclose her in the bars of a seeming cage that were rib bones. She was cast in plaster and I set out a course of construction after weeks of internal battle. "Why on earth would you possibly want to enclose this lovely figure in a cage of bones?" I asked myself. I have learned to trust these quiet whispers and finally gave myself to this realization.
The constructed figure stayed out in the open where I could pass by her day in, day out.. to assess my internal responses to this new idea. It is not all that outlandish if you've seen my assemblage work. But, up until that juncture there were no representational figures associated with the assemblage work. This would be the first time the world of my bronze figures and my constructions would marry.
Finally, one day, it hit me. This luscious, languid form represented my childhood. I remembered the memory of me as an 8 (or so) year old little girl running through the woods as the deer. I could feel her long, delicate legs lifting high to leap the brambles and bushes with ease. I could feel my long, arched neck pull my head back, ears flicking, nostrils flaring as the sweet air rushed into my form, down my long neck, filling my enormous lungs. Every fiber of my being said this was real. It felt real. I KNEW myself to be the deer. In this figure, I tapped again that visceral experience and sat with the essence of it alive within me as I gazed at the figure before me.
What occurred to me next was a huge revelation.
This figure, this peaceful, composed doe was lying within the belly of the wolf. This made complete sense from so many angles I can scarcely explain it in this limited little blog. But, my childhood, with its own style of contrast. Family challenges that were powerful enough for me to avoid going home. The woods were my sanctuary. In the woods I was safe. When I entered them, whatever was happening at home would drop off of me like water beading up and rolling off as I entered the woods. I knew ONLY the woods, only the discovery of that special land that was fueled by my rich imagination.
The nature of myself as individual and perhaps compounded by my family dynamic, I was propelled ever deeper into myself. I was extremely shy. The silence of the woodland was a comforting blanket that felt like home, filled with magic... where any good thing was possible.
Years later, in my forties... in the highest point of struggle when our most powerful rockets of desire are catapulting in every direction, I felt rise within me the primal, flesh tearing force of the wolf alive within me. I feared that aspect of me might do something awful if I did not leave. After exhausting all other options I felt I had no choice but to leave. My very survival seemed to depend upon it. Hence .. the studio.
While in the studio I began to remember who I was and found the gentle, vulnerable self return bit by bit, while the protector within learned, over time that I no longer needed so fierce an exterior. In the process of coming to terms with the wolf within, I learned to love him. Knowing it was the wolf that made it possible to survive childhood trauma, fears and their repercussions. The wolf was becoming my friend.
A step further and I was learning to thrive. It was in that phase of development that the above mentioned sculpture was constructed. Observing her over time, I learned a lot about myself and about the different kinds of power. The entire experience helped me to realize that I had further to go. Now I wanted to take to heart the blending of the two worlds.
As my life evolved around this practice, the (then) wolf at my side, Attah Waya passed, (see origin of this journey in previous posts) and this travel journey was brought to life.
Now, three years later I sit on a mountaintop in Northern California contemplating the countless deer, buck and other wild life that pass through our property and hang out, eating apples from our trees daily. They bed down on the hillside just outside my kitchen window.
The volume of wildlife that make up the living expression of abundance that flows on this mountain
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