tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25644873245414799182024-03-12T19:54:44.759-07:00Spirit Dog WagginMind, Body and Spirit connection between humankind and the animals that guide them.Diane "Standing Wolf" Collinshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09257112459361186610noreply@blogger.comBlogger21125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2564487324541479918.post-24929003951740204022020-01-14T17:48:00.002-08:002020-01-14T17:48:16.109-08:00Rediscovering Myself<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Yesterday I turned a sweet foster dog in to a rescue center. When I met him, all I knew was I needed to get him out of there. I saw in his eyes heavy caution and strong self possession. I saw within this quiet boy an unnamable, noble something... For a week or so, I fell in love with him.<br />
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I named him Nashoba (Chocktaw for wolf), what is more noble than a wolf? He came with heavy baggage that took time for him to consider leaving it at the door. But, he did. He found a way to break through severe self defense that made in dangerous to play with him and in the least a nuisance to feed him or eat in his company. He nearly jumped on my counter where he smelled the presence of tiny bits of the idea or memory of food. He pushed sharply when I went toward the obvious food bin. He tried standing in front of the bin to demonstrate his ownership. He snapped my hand severely, not puncturing my hand by bruising it and leaving it tender for a few days. He attempted to drag and twirl me when he had a leash attached. He had what I consider anti-leash skills. He had no noticeable house manners except to not soil in the house. Not very noble traits.. tho, if he were a wolf, my notion of those qualities would have been very different. I would not expect or hope even that a wolf or hybrid for that matter to have those subtle points of awareness that our domestic dogs learn well.<br />
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Nashoba learned in a few days that no food came to him until he chose (on his own accord), to restrain himself. At no point did I ask him to sit, stay, go lie down or get away. I did however speak to him non-verbally. I was immovable on my point. I was happy to feed him good food once he slowed down and thought through the equation and made a choice that was favorable. He opted to go into and lay down in his crate. The first meal took him 45 minutes to obtain. But, smart boy that he is, each meal he dramatically cut that time back by coming to the ideal conclusion increasingly rapid.<br />
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By day 3 or 4 he cut the time to one third his first night's time. In addition he was learning a ton of other details about the benefits of self restraint and why humans are valuable even fun, helpful and comforting when they are around and engaged with him.<br />
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My life has changed dramatically since I last wrote. I've lost my strength and confidence in myself after a life altering spinal injury. In fact, I had injured vertebra for a long time but in 2015 a series of incidents caused a sudden slam into a whole new life. 5 herniations (sacrum, lumbar and thoracic all impacted) and advanced degenerative disc disease that includes severe damage to C6, C7 with bone spurs to complicate matters forced me to make an unexpected turn in my journey. 3 years later my dad was struck down in a crosswalk in Norristown. That year, my dear boy Yona faced off with a long series of life threatening medical issues that were colored with auto-immune disorders that blossomed like a deadening sickness in my sweet prince turned king. I buried him a year ago in December. I found Nashoba 12 months and 4 days later.<br />
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It took about two weeks to get him to realize there ARE good humans. He helped me realize I was no longer the bold woman who once worked with aggressive dogs. He and I needed a different scenario. He needed a bolder human who was still kind and clear and consistent with healthy, predictable boundaries and non confrontational but powerful responses to the moments when he went off the map in his thinking. That person needs a controlled environment to get him through the next wave of challenge that will help him find a way to be a whole, calm, clear dog one day.<br />
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I see now, I did what my initial impulse was, to help him get clear enough to find a better home than what I can provide. A trusted animal communicator helped me get inside his mind where I discovered most my instincts were spot on. Those that weren't clear were brought into the light and a day later, I was flooded by the truth of my limits with this type of character at this point in my life. I am grateful we had the time we did and I was able to stand next to this powerful boy long enough to watch him grow clear, tender and not only absolutely trusted but thoroughly enjoyed in our shared space.<br />
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In this position of greater clarity, I think its still early for my next forever dog and I have much to learn as I dive deeper into this new phase of my life. Its new horizons for Nashoba and me. I hope he feels the gift of our time. I was graced with a great GSD rescue center by the gift of grace or synchronicity. However you define, I am grateful. I was impressed and got great feedback from dog pros just how well respected this facility is in finding, rehabbing, rehoming the beautiful, powerful, intense German Shepherd Dog breed. Certainly that is better than where I found him in north Philly one of the more challenged shelters found in any big city.<br />
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Prayers for my dear friend Nashoba. He deserves a leg up to the next tier in his journey. He showed remarkable trust in me in so little time thanks to the force free practices and patient hands that have helped many dogs that I've been blessed to discover. I'm holding to happy endings.<br />
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Diane "Standing Wolf" Collinshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09257112459361186610noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2564487324541479918.post-9156239850945528082013-02-24T12:01:00.001-08:002013-02-24T12:03:45.866-08:00<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<h2 style="text-align: left;">
Rattlesnakes, Foxtail and Bears; OH MY!</h2>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 19px; font-weight: bold;">It's been four years since I purged my belongings and tiptoed into life on the road and off the grid.</span><br />
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The journey originated with a touch of romanticism most likely founded in my long desire to move back into the warm embrace of nature and the ideals I associate with that lifestyle. After a year in my first motor home and the subsequent shift to my big old diesel suburban and now actually OFF the grid on a remote hill in Northern California much has changed.<br />
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The romantic vision that once hummed as a background loving call beyond the confines of the ordinary has been replaced with a more personal, visceral experience that continues to evolve as I dance with the infinite in beauty and challenge. In a sense the romantic within me has grown more fervent and yet, not unlike my experience with maturity, it has deepened in spite of what might otherwise seem subdued. In reality, it is more a part of my experience now on a real, tangible level with the added benefit offered by conscious observation and intentional integration into my living experience.<br />
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I am knitted to the land around me in a manner unexpected as I embrace my third winter on the hill that has become my home for now. The land and its inhabitants have brought with them many lessons. I have grown deeply invested in seeking out the teachers that abide by the laws of the universe and in whom I share my personal pilgrimage and have been richly rewarded.<br />
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Two years ago my friend Tina Grello joined me for a few months on this little hill with its serpentine, long, bumpy winding road 35 minutes from the nearest teensy town and our flimsy link to the smallest vestige of civilization. One of the many fond memories of her time here on the mountain was the afternoon she caught on film my first rattlesnake capture. The moment typifies for me the exhilarating spin of the wheel of fortune that is my walk on this land.<br />
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If you are to know me well, looking more deeply into this process might shed some light on what precisely I am speaking about. It is not a matter of capturing the terrifying snake, nor is it being, in any fashion in control of the situation that brings about this sense of exhilaration. It is rather, the clarifying and conscious direction of the energetic and emotional fluctuations within that offers me the thrill of accomplishment. It is in this very dance that my greatest thrill exists in life as a general rule. But in facing off with high contrast, (meaning challenges that are unexpected and appear out of my control), the delight of a task performed successfully from the foundation of love and alignment of body, energy and mind my profound joy blossoms.<br />
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The first safe and gentle rattlesnake capture was nabbed by my dear friend Tina in the below video. We have a long shared joke about how her utter dismay at my so called bravery made her drop the camera at the most crucial moment.. so pardon the momentary blip in her video record of the first (and only recorded) capture.<br />
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The snake was promptly moved to a safe and more remote area of our 80 acres via quad and the molasses bucket that enabled the safe journey for our scaled, full bellied friend.<br />
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Bravery is a funny thing really. It only exists in the face of fear. That in mind. This was no act of bravery but rather one of joy, discovery and refined, conscious movement into balance of breath, thinking and emotional intention.<br />
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This has become my task. It has always been in ways integrated into my daily walk, for as long as I can remember. But, now I have a language for it and a process that keeps the practice alive and in perpetual evolution as a personal commitment to a living process as opposed to a vague concept that resides in the reasoning center of my mind. I have come to understand more fully the difference between accepting a concept as a position of value and moved more deeply into a way of residing with life, recognizing my greatest joy is birthed in my conscious engagement with the living experience.<br />
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And so, I have looked at my experiences on this hill from a new perspective and in that shift found the visceral experience again in the forefront of my joy and engaged intimately with my conscious mind and larger experience.<br />
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It might be interesting for my east coast friends and family to understand that rattlesnakes hold far less challenge for me in my daily walk than the foxtail grasses do of this area. With now 8 safe and gentle captures of rattlesnakes of all ages and sizes behind me I can say this with a high level of practice behind me to know it to be true.<br />
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If you are as unfamiliar with foxtail as I was when first warned about them, let me tell you from first hand experience. These grasses are no joke. I liken them to a fine balance between diminutive, powerful spears, (<a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Foxtail_(diaspore)">http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Foxtail_(diaspore)</a> ). To say they are pernicious is a monumental understatement. Disguised in a beauty reminiscent of lovely grains of wheat, these deadly sheaths of destruction get embedded in the coat of my very wooly Shiloh Shepherd Yona whose undercoat is more malamute than shepherd. It is because of his well being these grasses have impacted my journey with a fierceness that far overshadows my walk with rattle snakes, bears, cougars or coyote.<br />
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The thing about foxtail is first off, they are EVERYWHERE. While living here, one of my tasks as care taker on this 80 acre rolling, majestic, silent hill is to keep the grasses at bay. This translates into weed whipping acres and acres of land through three seasons. The acreage that requires taming is fairly estimated to be in the range of 5 acres all totaled. However, that figure must be multiplied when the growth factor for this plant is realized. Typically the speed the grasses grow require 3 to 5 times if I am somewhat lazy, meaning.. I let the grasses GROW before I cut them down.<br />
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Originally the task was daunting beyond description. But over time, like anything I have come to terms with it. The task is unavoidable for several reasons. Primarily the fire code requires all properties and out buildings/ structures to have a 100' clearance of all grasses and ground litter in order to afford our property the immeasurable value of assured back up should fire be presented. The fire teams will not battle for the safety of your property should you opt to not adhere to the 100' rule.<br />
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The lessor value for this task is my primary concern since it includes the well being of my dear canine companion. If I do not keep an eye out for the foxtail, be it cutting them down or exploring my boy's body for any hint of the little beasties in his pads and coat, the small but formidable spears will find their way through his thick coat, burrowing ever deeper penetrating flesh and (hard as it is to believe) bone.<br />
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Given my boy's coat structure and scale this amounts to gathering 5-30 grains out of each foot in the approach to dry season and up in the 100s in his coat. It is not just the sheer numbers of the challenge that makes that dance dwarf any challenge I find with rattlesnakes but really that the snakes almost every time offer a warning of my (or my dog's) close proximity to them. They have no more interest in our entanglement then I with them. However, the foxtail show no warning except, in a more eerie momentary sneeze from the long, broad, exploring nose of our canine friends. The explosive sneeze initiated by an inhaled foxtail demonstrates the seriousness of the matter without question if you are within earshot. Without spelling it out fully an overlooked foxtail in the nasal passage of any animal is where all the fun stops and a vet visit is a necessity.<br />
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And yet, even the toe to toe dance with foxtails on this hill has subsided to a quiet acceptance that even foxtails have a purpose on this planet, even if it means only that I am to become a profoundly adept and well muscled weed whipper and my dogs become well seated in my daily examination of their feet and coat. Balanced out with the silence this hill allows me off the grid has out weighed it for sure. But, more importantly it is not in spite of the rattlesnake and foxtail that I find pleasure here, but rather because of it. It is, after all in my dance with these things that I have become a master at transforming what is uncomfortable and distasteful into experiences of value and ultimately peaceful acceptance.<br />
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I have looked back upon my close encounters with a young cougar one rainy night, a very large, male brown bear, the coyote on our property during day light hours, rattlesnake and yes, even the foxtail with a fond appreciation because the growth and unshakable exhilaration that stems from a life well lived. It is in the essence of these experiences that divine inspiration flies to me. It is in the shining wealth of these experiences that my soul blossoms to something as large as the redwoods that inhabit this area. Like the redwoods, (<a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sequoioideae">http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sequoioideae</a> ), my soul has undergone transformation allowing for a temperament more receptive to the high extremes of a life half spent in winter and the other immersed in summer.<br />
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Perhaps it is like the old painting axiom: Chiarocscuro, (<a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chiaroscuro">http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chiaroscuro</a> ), which speaks to the beauty of contrast between light and dark and in composition. We experience the exhilaration of rich, vast beauty because of its counter balance with it's opposite, without which the so called beauty would be subdued into the background of experience.<br />
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So, give me the rattlesnakes, the cougar and coyote and even the foxtail for with it I appreciate all the more the rich, vibrant beauty and joy of a life invested in the exaltation found in joy won by the dance with that which appears unwanted.<br />
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Diane "Standing Wolf" Collinshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09257112459361186610noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2564487324541479918.post-51097302471273232142012-02-10T18:47:00.000-08:002012-02-10T18:47:14.734-08:00Year In Review<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on"> <br />
<div class="p1">Its been a long while since my last update. </div><div class="p2"><br />
</div><div class="p1">The nature of living high above the valley in northern California, far from the hustle and bustle of an east coast domestic life there is much to learn. Thirty five serpentine, bumpy, off road minutes up the mountain and off the grid of electrical and water convenience, I have been exploring the gifts of living much more intimately connected with and lovingly bound to nature. </div><div class="p2"><br />
</div><div class="p1">While this journey is not quite what I expected in that I am not immersed in months of removal from humans in "wild" land. My experiences have been rewarding in ways unexpected. It would make sense much of the wisdom I've collected this year is due to the very fact that I have landed here, under the roof of this partly converted barn rather than bumping around the national parks in some dreamy notion of writing, creating and exploring my connection with animals. (Which was the original concept that initiated the purging of my known life and the embrace of life anew).</div><div class="p2"><br />
</div><div class="p1">The challenges of sorting through life's different requirements of me, living on this land as a caretaker, I've been challenged to learn what exactly it means to live a "simple" life. </div><div class="p2"><br />
</div><div class="p1">It has been a long held desire for me.. to learn about living "greener", leaving a smaller footprint behind. I recall living in the basement of my sister and brother in law's house in my early twenties, subscribing to the Whole Earth Catalog, hungry to learn to live life aligned with my deep love and respect for the natural world. Reading articles on solar and wind power as well as living structures made of recycled materials and home made solutions from everything to eating, medicinal support and heat. At that time I had a deep desire to contribute to the wellness of our planet in a way I could not yet fathom but the yearn to do this was strong. And yet, at that time, the idea felt unreachable. It seemed too dreamy and idea submerged there in suburbia eaking out my meager existence in graphic design. That concept was, over time, buried under 20 years of trying to figure out how to have a "career" as a professional artist along with sorting through a (far too long) list of details regarding my adjustment to life as a human.</div><div class="p2"><br />
</div><div class="p1">Fitting into the rhythm and the "nature" of the natural world has always been as organic as learning to breathe for me. I merely stepped into it and "knew" my place within it. Immediately I knew it like I knew my hand before me. It felt to be an extension of me. I trusted it, believed in it and hungered to be immersed in it. My harder task has always been learning how to fit in the embrace of life within the confines of society. Remembering to brush my hair, my teeth, tying my shoes, keeping up with birthdays, communicating with others when fear would silence me, being socially appropriate, paying bills on time.. any task really related to life in the domestic world took far more learning for me. It is no surprise then that I would, at some juncture in my life, feel "called" to nature once again. (My first exposure to nature was a small collection of woods in Honeybrook Pennsylvania where I caught turtles, fish,(in a jar) snakes only to release them all moments later. I climbed trees, swam in deep pools of the Honeybrook creek, imagined myself a deer running through the woods and felt the truth of it all in the fibers of my physical being. It was in those woods that I felt, for the first time in my life that I belonged. But that is another story.) </div><div class="p1"><br />
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</div><div class="p1">My key undercurrent feeling about the journey I embarked on with the purchase of my RV in 2008 was to return more deeply into the best of my childhood. It all began with my joining up with Attah, (you all remember that amazing girl). She helped me to regain my foothold in the midst of a particularly rocky marriage. I wanted to have children but was far too aware of the slippery slope I walked with my (now) former husband and believed if I brought a dog into my world I would have a being to nurture and in caring for her I would return to the woods where I belonged. True to my belief, my walk with her boosted my return to the best of myself and to that simpler approach to life. </div><div class="p2"><br />
</div><div class="p1">That walk evolved further as I made the leap from my last ditch effort at living a normal life with a husband and all and jumped like a starving orphan out of that idea and into a new place that was the leap of faith that initiated the awakening of the braver part of me.. who, it seems was the child in the woods all along. My first steps into that studio were my initiation into life off the grid. Thanks to living without a kitchen, without a bathroom (in my living space/ though one was down the hall) and without a heater I began thinking living life thinking on my feet where I had only tip toed in that arena in the past. I began to thrive thanks to this single detail since all good things extended from that. In addition, Attah and I spent every day in the woods for two to four hours a day. And so, when she passed, no surprise this trip would float into my conscious mind and pull at me to go more deeply into that walk.</div><div class="p2"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="p1"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-dJohxYiGEcc/TzXUQAc-A9I/AAAAAAAAAIw/OF-A9QJPqDc/s1600/barn+w+ridge+aglow***+e.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-dJohxYiGEcc/TzXUQAc-A9I/AAAAAAAAAIw/OF-A9QJPqDc/s320/barn+w+ridge+aglow***+e.jpg" width="320" /></a>Once I landed on the mountain top.. the first task was shaking my ideas further about what it is to live life as a nature focused human."How do I want to live life?" And so.. the actual living experience of that walk began last January. Its been a year now living life as a modern day pioneer and I love what I've learned. I love that I've had the opportunity to dive so deeply into life off the grid. But most of all I love looking back and seeing how it all makes so much sense that I am here, now as I come full circle, back to life of one who is so connected to the earth and living that experience from every vantage point now. It feels to me that I am finally living life as the truest aspect of my inner self, where I love nature in all my decisions through the day and I see my connection to it in every choice I make about my daily tasks, about my comforts about all the details of the choices of my day. I am as close to nature as I was as a child in a fashion that is different and the same.</div><div class="p2"><br />
</div><div class="p1">The education of off grid life has been essential for the next phase. I've had a lot to sort through and its kept me plenty busy. When loved once call, often they kindly begin with, "I hope I'm not bothering you, are you busy?" I have to smile.. because I am not at all bothered, if anything I deeply appreciate knowing that others think of me and have not rejected me utterly with the great distance I have created between us. But, frankly, every moment of every day except around actual breakfast, dinner and bedtime, I am very busy. Even during those rare moments when I am not physically active in doing something but, rather sit still either in front of the fire.. a beautiful natural vista or in front of a book.. I am silent and still and being busy only with being quiet. Otherwise I am a perpetual flurry of activity of diverse and complimentary tasks that either sustain my current life choice, (i.e. living under this roof on the property of my friends Tracey and Suze) or actively participating in the evolution of the next approaching steps, (i.e. restoring the new little travel trailer that will be my sanctuary, my studio, my mobile living space),</div><div class="p2"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-ign0mTEKOYc/TzXUthDzdkI/AAAAAAAAAI4/s9Vgho4quZ8/s1600/barn+w+ridge+aglow***+e.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-ign0mTEKOYc/TzXUthDzdkI/AAAAAAAAAI4/s9Vgho4quZ8/s320/barn+w+ridge+aglow***+e.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div class="p1">It took some time for me to fully accept the idea of taking on another vehicle, so kindred to the one I got rid of in 2009, You might recall I gave up the Toyota Dolphin, (my first big trip vehicle) a year after purchase feeling it was bigger than I needed. I don't regret having bought the truck. My diesel suburban has loads of power and a long life ahead of it.. and will surely do better on the hills than the teensie weensie little four cylinder engine that began my exploration. However, the idea of the purchase of a travel trailer required that I first come to terms with certain aspects of myself that originally the pioneer in me held suspect. While the idea of comfort was expanding in my mind, my long held belief has been I wanted to find abundance and comfort outside of the ordinary. I wanted to purge all old ideas including those attached to the definition I held regarding comfort and spirituality along with my minions of life's accessories. This all felt elemental with the journey I was to undertake.</div><div class="p2"><br />
</div><div class="p1">I believe I have accomplished that. I found great comfort converting and traveling cross country in my big old suburban, (which gets as good gas mileage as the Toyota Dolphin/ 21 mpgs). I also found comfort in sleeping in my truck for nearly 6 months, while living on this land land with access to a toilet and kitchen. Doing so provided me with breathtaking views of the moon and land lit at night, not to mention my close encounters with coyote, deer and a large collection of smaller animals that inhabit this mountain. </div><div class="p2"><br />
</div><div class="p1">Over a year of periodic episodes of feeling pulled toward the purchase of a travel trailer, I have finally come to terms with the fact that this is a different part of my journey and I am ready to make the creation of my art my primary focus once again. Living as a mobile artist will require tools, supplies and a larger space to work for extended pockets of time than what my truck will allow, (in spite of the great conversion that has transformed that truck into the perfect, cozy space for boondocking from time to time). In addition, the fact that I am feeling the effects of approaching 50 and lyme's disease certainly plays its own role in my awareness of the body's desire for comfort and so, (at the purchase cost of $150!). I now own a vintage 1966 Ideal travel trailer that was in need of a new floor. </div><div class="p1"><br />
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</div><div class="p1">It is easy to think that living up here on the mountain off the grid, essentially rent free, my life must be dull, perhaps lonely and boring with nothing to do. No TV, no radio, (til Dec/ I purchased a solar radio), no museums or cafes (except the ones 45 min or and hour away. What tasks could I possibly have before me you ask? Aren't I just camping up on the mountain? Fair enough. I thought the same thing at one point. I know how to camp. I've done it enough times, and California weather is beautiful, I thought.. this will be heaven.. just what the doctor ordered. Well, that may still be the case, however, the simple life is not as simple as it might seem on the surface.</div><div class="p2"><br />
</div><div class="p1">Let me explain just how I've viewed my development in retrospect:</div><div class="p2"><br />
</div><div class="p1">First off, it is known to rain seven months out of the year in northern California. It is a rainforest after all, hence the deliciously enormous trees of this area. As a matter of fact, at first site of them, driving north.. I wept. The trees, the high, rolling hills, their majesty moves me to tears. But enormous rainfall brings its own collection of daily life details that require adjustment if one is to live truly close to nature.</div><div class="p1"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-KU1GmBcycfU/TzXVyGzTaUI/AAAAAAAAAJI/fhWXZBUiFf4/s1600/Butte+afire+w+mist*****+e.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-KU1GmBcycfU/TzXVyGzTaUI/AAAAAAAAAJI/fhWXZBUiFf4/s400/Butte+afire+w+mist*****+e.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><div class="p1"><br />
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</div><div class="p1">I arrived in late January last year and was gifted with three initial weeks of sunshine. Everyone tried to explain this was not normal. At the end of those three weeks, I began to understand just exactly what that meant. Finding my way through cloudy, unpredictable cell coverage and balancing life with a solar panel, battery, controller, equalizer and inverter during those same cloudy days would be enough to keep me busy for months, Managing the mud, the lack of warmth had to all be taken into account. But, figuring out the ampere hours necessary for living the most basic electrical appliance related life was its own conundrum for me. </div><div class="p2"><br />
</div><div class="p1">For those of you unfamiliar with this.. solar panels married to batteries that store the collected energy is with the right consumption limitless on perpetual sunny days, but in cloudy situations or were I to live as most people do I would have not managed on one battery all year. With that equation it is helpful to understand the ratio of usage of energy per appliance that draws energy daily. Laptop, cell phone, dvd player and cordless tools require daily or periodic charges. Understanding the relationship between watts, volts and amps is helpful. After periodic overwhelm on the topic I gave up the idea of calculating my unpredictable life into a table of amp usage. It seems to me that if you are not gobbling up much more than is delivered daily, which is your ONLY electrical "appliances" are those listed above, that it gets easy quick. One can actually FEEL their way into this process much more organically when consumption of energy is at its most basic. </div><div class="p2"><br />
</div><div class="p1">This is not a practice I would recommend if someone is particularly attached to typical daily life habits with heater, lights and refrigerators. If I had such items in my living space making demands on the energy I am able to collect the the outmoded photo voltaic panels on my roof and the single deep cell battery it is tied to, I would have had no choice but to make some change.. life would have demanded it. But, even with my low consumption of power, I run dry on those cloudy days that can last for weeks at a time. The saving grace to this is the wonderful little generator that was gifted to me by Sandy and Phil. With my tiny little 1000 watt generator I simply recharge the emptied battery as needed. Though I will correct myself here.. for what it is worth, truly one should never really empty their battery. And what kind of battery is important, we are not talking about a car battery but a deep cell battery/ or bank of batteries depending. I've learned they never should actually be emptied if you are smart.. discharging only 50-80% means prolonged battery life.. not to mention the waste of filling a landfill with toxic material or returning a battery for recycle is its own kind of waste, not to mention the high expense of a quality battery. So, I've learn to be aware, sensitive to the shifts not only of the weather but of my daily habits in conjunction with it. </div><div class="p1"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-l7pvCTVSUso/TzXWL9MuPdI/AAAAAAAAAJQ/YWSj8IOXoSQ/s1600/Dad.woodstove+e.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="206" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-l7pvCTVSUso/TzXWL9MuPdI/AAAAAAAAAJQ/YWSj8IOXoSQ/s320/Dad.woodstove+e.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div class="p1"><br />
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</div><div class="p1">My primary point however, if I can bring myself back to focus, would be the interior exploration of just how much energy my contemporary habits require for support via battery, water tank, generator and fire wood could easily add a couple more months of education to my walk up here on the mountaintop. From sensitivity to solar and generator use, to moving water from the spring to the house or from one tank to another so I have enough to drink and wash with as well as the wood I locate, cut, haul, split, stack etc all require time and physical energy and skill to accomplish.</div><div class="p1">. </div><div class="p1">There is a beauty and ease in the "simple" tasks of weed whipping acres of land, grooming, feeding and maintaining the paddocks of the horses, doing the same for the chickens, (minus the grooming, thank God!), managing the garden and the interaction with the wild neighbors that reside here that my dog would do best not to confront such as rattle snakes create their own need for attention on my part. All of which I enjoy mind you, even relish I'd say. Often these tasks require so little of my mind, they boost my focus. The very act of engaging with these tasks feed my soul in a fashion that nothing else can. Perhaps I can go so far to say they sustain me, they assist my refined focus on what is most crucial for me. Which was exactly what I hoped for in 2008 when this journey was conceived. That being said, the fact remains that acclimating to and becoming an expert at the physical tasks required to retain the bartered roof over my head is, in its own right a long term task that consumes time and has pulled me so far outside any idea of how I was living life in the past. The ease of sitting on a couch and making a phone call to those I love becomes something just not afforded in the choices I made that got me here. The closest to that idea is sitting in a camping chair in a high, clear spot near the round pen, hopefully when it is not raining, risking cell coverage drop off. Great view but not the most convenient when my daylight hours are brief and there is more wood to haul into the barn for warmth.</div><div class="p2"><br />
</div><div class="p1">What it all boils down to really is incorporating essential, time related tasks into this complex array of other daily life activities and how to balance it all. I am unaware if this is a Diane thing or an artist thing, but I am happiest when I am not looking at time. It feels inconsequential when i am focused on a walk that feels so visceral, so organic. Time, aside from the rising and setting of the sun feels like a joke someone is playing on me. The only during meditation and when divinely focused on a project, where creativity is required.. then any idea of time and its potential restraints slips from the fingers of my mind and fall away like dust. It floats away from me and in those precious pockets of experience I know nothing of time.. only the NOW. </div><div class="p2"><br />
</div><div class="p1">That really has been my goal.. to become more intimately acquainted with the NOW of my life. Rather than looking ahead or behind me.. just living in the now as much as possible. This keeps me free from stray thoughts that are more akin to my younger self that allowed worry and fear to slow and stop her completely. Let me be clear here. I am not suggesting I am here avoiding my thoughts. On the contrary, I am coming to new terms with my thinking mind and learning how productive it can be to master it versus it mastering me. </div><div class="p2"><br />
</div><div class="p1">While this less positive aspect of myself remains, she rests silently knowing her larger self "has her back". The stronger self has taking the front seat of my life and removed all need for decision making from that softer self. It has been a long journey to this point in my walk, learning to walk a more balanced life. Learning to observe my thoughts didn't suddenly appear by landing here on this mountain in the shadow of Bear Butte. Although, the practice of searching, listening and answering with my living experience has grown more refined with enormous acceleration since I've taken on life up here on the mountain. It began a long time before I conceived of this trip, with the jump into my Germantown studio a huge part but it started long before that. I could look back as far as Jujitsu and yoga in middle school or perhaps the first moment I was poignantly aware that the creator of all things was always present in all things without exception.It is hard to know where it all started.</div><div class="p2"><br />
</div><div class="p1">We are complex, all of us. There is no single experience that brings us wisdom but it is always a journey always the interior journey and the observations we make of it all that define our growth and the wisdom we glean out of it all. Whether immersed in the beauty of this mountaintop or in the mountaintop of your own personal journey in Pennsylvania, Maryland, Florida, or wherever your heart resides. We are, in our current expression always a result of many delicious (and sometimes not so delicious) experiences and ever evolving points of awareness.. moving forever forward. For me, I have enjoyed a year pioneering into new places within far from the white noise of the fast paced traffic of the larger human world but feel by summer I will be moving closer to it once again.</div><div class="p1"><br />
</div><div class="p1">As I post this.. the wifi cafe in which I sit.. here in Redway California is playing music I grew up with.. "Clouds got in my way.. clouds illusions I recall, ... " reminding me of my childhood.. I do believe I have come full circle.</div><div class="p2"><br />
</div></div>Diane "Standing Wolf" Collinshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09257112459361186610noreply@blogger.com0Redway, CA 95560, USA40.1201443 -123.8233635000000340.1112263 -123.83750700000003 40.1290623 -123.80922000000002tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2564487324541479918.post-18876836034854943752012-01-08T21:19:00.000-08:002012-01-08T23:23:56.441-08:00A reason to celebrate<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on"><br />
<div class="p1">Sun Jan 8th 2012</div><div class="p1"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-JJ0ztXXCQpM/Twp-L0runSI/AAAAAAAAAHg/YpYDDDhSlnE/s1600/Morning+mist+and+trees**e.jpg+.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="480" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-JJ0ztXXCQpM/Twp-L0runSI/AAAAAAAAAHg/YpYDDDhSlnE/s640/Morning+mist+and+trees**e.jpg+.jpg" width="640" /></a></div><br />
</div><div class="p1">Admittedly, I am not the greatest at writing consistently with my blog. But, in my defense, I've been finding my footing.. sorting my way through this funny life off the grid.<br />
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I have felt all along that the larger task at hand, while residing (much more than knee deep) in this insular walk, is to share with others this extraordinary experience. However, attempting to do so while sorting through the details of the balancing act that is my life far outside the box has been the hitch. </div><div class="p2"><br />
</div><div class="p1">I do make special note in my physical journal of particularly poignant events.. and at times.. the subtle nuances resonant within me, changing me to my core. However, the more I Facebook.. or journal.. (with the fragmented 'spare' time I have, the less I seem to document here for you, the beauty and challenge of this unusual life choice. Take heart though, it is my belief that as I grow more deeply knitted to the actual path that called me on the road in the first place, (meaning: living closer to nature and not having to balance between the duties that bring cash and the duties that keep a roof over my head), then consistency will flow more organically from my mind to the ether of the net.<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-mrKOrFYk7xg/TwqByrw9xiI/AAAAAAAAAHo/IeDvjlgiF8M/s1600/Butte+fog+island****e.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="426" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-mrKOrFYk7xg/TwqByrw9xiI/AAAAAAAAAHo/IeDvjlgiF8M/s640/Butte+fog+island****e.jpg" width="640" /></a></div><br />
</div><div class="p1">Since the onset of this outside the box journey many of my ideas about how my life would unfold has been influenced by my primary task at hand which has been consistently to develop a much more refined ability to listen closely to the pulse of my life in its bond with the Universe that swims within and around me. And that I have. So, my writings.. much like the remainder of my walk.. remains outside preset plans.. and in its own rhythm. </div><div class="p2"><br />
</div><div class="p1">If you enjoy exploring this walk with me.. than this becomes your walk as well on some level.. to follow along at the unusual pace. The events of my walk are now shaped daily by the hands of the mystery. Its been that way for some time now and I am finally feeling myself expand into what I hoped for when I embarked on this pilgrimage 3 years ago. I am moving closer to the way I resided in the world during the best of my childhood, when I was so intimately bound to nature I barely identified a division between myself and the natural world.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-6ZYsz9Qx94Y/TwqDIOGeHpI/AAAAAAAAAHw/cORwizPCbFw/s1600/Butte+afire+w+mist*****+e.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="480" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-6ZYsz9Qx94Y/TwqDIOGeHpI/AAAAAAAAAHw/cORwizPCbFw/s640/Butte+afire+w+mist*****+e.jpg" width="640" /></a></div><br />
</div><div class="p1">And, so it is. </div><div class="p2"><br />
</div><div class="p1">Tonight I write with a sense of celebration. Sharing with you the story of my brief communion with nature as it unfolded today in an ordinary and yet somehow extraordinary way.<br />
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-IdyhX3lRVbo/Twp4t8bgArI/AAAAAAAAAHY/xpB-Tj-uycg/s1600/Barn+from+six+pack+w+mist***+e.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="480" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-IdyhX3lRVbo/Twp4t8bgArI/AAAAAAAAAHY/xpB-Tj-uycg/s640/Barn+from+six+pack+w+mist***+e.jpg" width="640" /></a><br />
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I've grown accustomed to the rhythm of life here on the mountain.. (Still in N. Ca... actually a hill.. only 1,200' above sea level. But the removal from all that is ordinary.. city life.. cars.. highways.. electricity.. city water.. city sewer.. it feels more mountain than hill... so mountain it is in my experience). The weather often changes three seasons in a day from fall to late spring. This January and in December we've had an unusually warm and dry winter on the mountain. Average rainfall is not even the tiniest bit tapped yet for winter. None the less, it is chilly at night.. freezing temps often but during the day it could reach 50 degrees, but once the sun falls temps drop rapidly. Mist joins us daily.. rolling in across the adjacent hills, into the valley until they envelope us also high up the hillside.<br />
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Long johns keep me toasty, heavy jacket in the morning, one less layer when I walk the boy for our morning, mist covered walk, then as the day progresses I lose the layers.. only to return to them as the short day wains and the sun recedes behind the hills. </div><div class="p1"><br />
I've taken full advantage of the extra sunshine and lack of rain by readying my travel trailer for a major overhaul. (I bought an 18' travel trailer for very little money and am adding my sweat equity to it.. to bring it to life).<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-C_9Jk0v8GBo/TwqG6ImWhrI/AAAAAAAAAIA/BpsuL61fgZ4/s1600/trailer_damage+exposed+e.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="150" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-C_9Jk0v8GBo/TwqG6ImWhrI/AAAAAAAAAIA/BpsuL61fgZ4/s200/trailer_damage+exposed+e.jpg" width="200" /></a><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-x44xdugnZKs/TwqGtjOHgkI/AAAAAAAAAH4/HT0GmWWGjv8/s1600/inside+trlr+kit+view**_before+e.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="150" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-x44xdugnZKs/TwqGtjOHgkI/AAAAAAAAAH4/HT0GmWWGjv8/s200/inside+trlr+kit+view**_before+e.jpg" width="200" /></a></div><br />
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</div><div class="p1">After a very full, enjoyably and productive day removing cabinet doors, steel water tank, damaged plumbing and 3/4 of the floor, along with moving all the parts into the barn for indoor work once the rains return, I realized I was hungry. Stopping to grab a nibble, I realized it was getting on time to think about walking my furry man on his end of day exploration.<br />
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The sun was about to drop behind the evergreens on our western hillside.. so I began my prep into evening duties. I have found it is best to stay on top of this if I am to have the energy and daylight to get a fire going, get a meal cooked etc. If I don't move on it, Yona looses his time sniffing out the new scents that mark for him who has traveled on our trails, in our fields while I was chiseling away at the trailer.<br />
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It gets SOO cold once the sun drops, I wanted to get all my debris off the grass, (the internal workings of the trailer.. cabinets, couch, cushions etc) and into the barn where they'd be dry. Once accomplished, I set out on my evening walk with the dog.<br />
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</div><div class="p1"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-O6Jxkjg7iMU/Twp3GTUvCZI/AAAAAAAAAHI/ShukWetI40Q/s1600/Yona+majestic+boy+w+mist+e.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-O6Jxkjg7iMU/Twp3GTUvCZI/AAAAAAAAAHI/ShukWetI40Q/s640/Yona+majestic+boy+w+mist+e.jpg" width="452" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div>We enjoyed a very pleasurable exploration of the southeastern hill just below the barn. It is a large expanse of wild grasses that are intermittently leveled out where the deer bed down at night. I've been looking for their favorite sites for bedding down so I can increase my chance of locating antlers once they start dropping by end of January early February. This has become my morning and evening ritual with the boy. I explore places that will be less easy to identify once the heavy rains lay all the grasses down on their side and darken the remaining grass with the heavy mud that is typical of this rainforest environment this time of year. </div><div class="p2"><br />
</div><div class="p1">During the walk I decided to head up a bit into an area I'd not visited since spring where there was a particularly rich, expansive view of Bear Butte. There's a platform devised out of two heavy duty, long boards. I dreamt last year would be the perfect spot for a bench or two.. to sit and watch the mountain grow. Sadly, the view is now obstructed by an enormous fallen giant, one of the many to go this year. A huge OLD oak tree apparently dropped just in front of the long, flat platform. It blocked the view I imagined.. but created its own contribution of beauty. </div><div class="p2"><br />
</div><div class="p1">I stepped in closely to consider this lovely old oak. It is approximately 300 yrs old. It is gnarled, pitted in spots but massive and twisted in the loveliest of ways. Covered in "old man's beard" or so it is called. One can identify "old man's beard" found frequently on the oaks all over California. You might think of spanish moss, it is similar but native to this continent and a bit more bushy in its appearance.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/--0IkUAsfRc0/TwqLiFP0BeI/AAAAAAAAAII/aUQkPSBbR2I/s1600/misty+woodland+w+moss_Feb+2011+e.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="480" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/--0IkUAsfRc0/TwqLiFP0BeI/AAAAAAAAAII/aUQkPSBbR2I/s640/misty+woodland+w+moss_Feb+2011+e.jpg" width="640" /></a></div><br />
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I was amazed at its minimal root structure and walked around to see the space where it pulled up the earth and scattered rocks in all directions. As I gazed at the, now dried root ball, looking deep into the well left in its upheaval. I wondered if anyone was living in the crevasse that was created there. I was absolutely riveted by the form that lay there stretched out across this high hill. This old giant use to sit so near the platform I felt last spring it was like the oak too enjoyed the view.. looking out across the valley, greeting the rising sun, watching the Butte change throughout the day, the seasons, the many years it graced that hillside.<br />
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I walked around the giant.. considering it's long life on the planet. Wondering what it was like as a sapling. Did anyone consider it's life at that time? Did anyone sit under its shadow, thinking one day it would be a giant? As I moved over and around it, I returned to the rootball and noticed the rocks lying there.. debris from the fall. It was then that I noticed a strange shaped rock lying in the gully that was once this tree's foundation. The rock stood out in it's sense of order as if it were hewn by hand. Honestly, if I didn't know any better.. I'd think someone sat down and carved this perfectly conical form with rounded ends. It seemed that unearthed there, in the great giant's footprint was this item one might find in an archeological dig.<br />
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Moving in for closer inspection.. I became more convinced I was looking at something ancient. It was huge, heavy and of a sort of limestone I suspect.. it was kindred to cement in its feel, but clearly stone, harder than limestone. (I've carved limestone and have a sense of it. This stone had a mild veining to it.. more so than limestone.. but felt kindred).</div><div class="p2"><br />
</div><div class="p1">When I reached in to seize the heavy form I imagined it was used once a long time ago.. to crush grain or nuts to make into a meal, to feed the tribe. It was so beautifully formed, it could have easily been poured concrete from a mold.. except it was clearly stone. I noted two chips. one on either side, where it must have been forced to succumb to so immense pressure. Perhaps it was the pressure of being crushed slowly over time between the strong toes of this ancient tree.. only the tree and its creator could know.</div><div class="p2"><br />
</div><div class="p1">Convinced as I was this was an artifact of some sort, I toted the heavy monster down the mountain to the base of the hill where my friends (and landowners) would be in 40 min. or so.. for their pups' evening ball fetch on a lovely, flat green, mowed field once used for a dressage practice ring. The form was far too heavy to cart all the way back up the mountain to the barn where we were returning. So, by the gate it sat.. awaiting the assessment of my retired ranger friends who would have an excellent working knowledge of artifacts that might fit this description.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-oaNOWziXSts/TwqQJtQElxI/AAAAAAAAAIQ/OBcwz3DIbKE/s1600/mist+valley****+e.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="480" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-oaNOWziXSts/TwqQJtQElxI/AAAAAAAAAIQ/OBcwz3DIbKE/s640/mist+valley****+e.jpg" width="640" /></a></div><br />
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</div><div class="p1">I returned to the barn with my boy.. hungry and happy. As we passed the horse arena just outside the barn I saw an odd combination of haze and brilliant light at once.. at repositioned myself to see between the gnarled tree branches to make out the strange light illusion that captured my attention. </div><div class="p2"><br />
</div><div class="p1">There before me was a perfect, brilliant full moon rising with the hint of mist stretched out in faint bands before it. The moon felt unusually large, as is often the case when sitting just barely above the trees. I ran to get my camera in an effort to record the amazing moon that we were treated to this evening. When I returned, I snapped away as many as I could until the sky grew too dark to navigate with my somewhat limited digital camera. Sadly, the pic did not come out well at all.. But you can use the image as a jumping off place.. for so much more! :)</div><div class="p1"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-TGznLoZCQa4/Twp4V3zJWaI/AAAAAAAAAHQ/6bnHtDs__wA/s1600/champagne+moon+e.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-TGznLoZCQa4/Twp4V3zJWaI/AAAAAAAAAHQ/6bnHtDs__wA/s320/champagne+moon+e.jpg" width="240" /></a></div><div class="p1"><br />
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</div><div class="p1">Knowing my boy was hungry, and wanting to make the most of this moon that would, before long, be just another lovely moon in the sky, (as if that is ever ordinary out here). I made haste with his meal and a beverage for myself. While in the barn, the phone rang. It was one of my ranger friends, (Suzanne), calling me to tell me to hurry and check out the moon! (Gotta LOVE these women!)<br />
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While on the phone she briefly mentioned they agree the form I found is probably exactly what I thought it was. Tomorrow we will return to the site and check the root ball for the bowl that should accompany the very large pestil. They added that if it were used by native people of this region, they probably used it to crush acorns. The nomadic community would have stashed the object someplace safe to retrieve it when they returned to this area seasonally. I LOVE this mountain and feel so blessed to not only be here but to have the women here on this land that know it so intimately and share their excitement for and love of this land so freely. I will miss them dearly when I depart.</div><div class="p2"><br />
</div><div class="p1">After my brief chat with Suze, I returned with a bottle of champagne, (to celebrate.. the moon.. the anthropological discovery.. the day's accomplishments.. ? You name it). In addition I was smart enough to include a comfy folding chair and a meal for the boy. I set myself up and watched as the daylight gave way to the darkness or what would be darkness if not for the astounding light the full moon offered. Adding to this perfect vision of grace and beauty.. the scene was completed by the song of two or three pigmy owls calling in the distance, (their calls sound like some odd blend of owl and a bouncing ball). </div><div class="p2"><br />
</div><div class="p1">Slowly I nursed my glass of bubbly and by it's completion, I realized I too was hungry.. I trotted back in the barn to track down a gift dropped off earlier today by Suze. An odd assortment of free food from their fridge was now mine to enjoy. Yummy cheeses, yogurt, and.. oh, (smoked eel) Sushi... (YUM!).<br />
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I nabbed the sushi and ran to the truck for a very special set of chop sticks. (I bought two pair of exceptionally nice chop sticks on my last visit to Philly prior to departure). Apparently this was the special occasion I was waiting for to finally open this set of chopsticks. Champagne, the moon, sushi, pygmy owls and my dog.. what a way to celebrate! </div><div class="p2"><br />
</div><div class="p1">If you can not step in my skin and feel the specialness of it.. I am not sure how to spell it out exactly. But, first of all, this was no ordinary moon. Secondly, I made a promise to Yona that I would do all in my power to create a life for him that was filled with pleasurable experiences that we would SHARE. I've recognized recently, with my work load that I've set him too far aside again.. behind the work at hand and it was time to change that. I imagined this trip to be one where he and I would be closer to nature.. and we would be that together. He has demonstrated time and again his appreciation for our special time together even though he is a fairly independent guy. He clearly loves our time together.<br />
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But instead.. I've returned to living as I would on the grid.. and return to the barn at night.. every night. I got in the pattern of going in after his walk to make dinner.. I'd then head upstairs and write or read or watch a movie on the laptop or sleep. But, in spite of the immense beauty and close proximity of serious, expansive, wild nature, rarely do I ever sit outside with my boy as I had originally imagined. Let alone do so at nightfall.</div><div class="p2"><br />
</div><div class="p1">So, there I sat.. me, my boy, my champagne, my sushi and the MOON!!! I tossed the ball for the boy a bit.. then as the sky darkened.. he settled in and we just SAT and watched.. and watched.. and watched as that big bright beeeautiful moon rose. We both just sat and watched.. and listened and thought our thoughts.. and watched some more.<br />
<br />
It was in the silent watching.. that it occurred to me.. this is the PERFECT time to enjoy my little, cheap bottle of champagne because, well, in addition to accomplishing a HUGE list of things today.. I was doing what I intended to do back in 2008 when I embarked on this trip into the "wilds". As I sat there.. in my silence.. I conferred with nature.. with my boy.. we sat together.. and drank it all up. THIS was well worth the bottle of champagne originally intended for New Year's Eve to mark a big transition into the mysterious 2012. I am very glad I waited.</div><div class="p2"><br />
</div><div class="p1">Now that I have the travel trailer and am transforming it into the mobile sanctuary and studio I imagine it being.. i will be able to move about the world with greater freedom while retaining a bit of comfort, safety.. and ease for the body.. without sacrificing opportunities to get closer to nature for simple events much like tonight. That with the simplicity of this simple experience, luxuriating before this moon, it somehow charges something within me and I immediately brighten in its wake.. realizing.. all things are unfolding.. I am on my way deeper into my dreams.. in a pace that is easy and slow.. a pace that allows all good things to unfold in a fashion that allows me to drink up and fully savor the lush, luxurious life that is mine, far off the grid.</div><div class="p2"><br />
</div></div>Diane "Standing Wolf" Collinshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09257112459361186610noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2564487324541479918.post-45281392742686140452011-12-04T20:15:00.001-08:002020-01-14T17:04:06.908-08:00the doe and the wolf<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">It feels as if life is coming full circle.<br />
<br />
My 8 year old experience where I KNEW I was the doe running with grace through the woods so long ago has been a background experience at best as an adult. I've reflected back upon it periodically since I was very young.<br />
<br />
The memory of the experience resurfaced not long ago, while living in my 1200 sq' studio on Germantown Ave in Philly. I felt inexplicably drawn to the deer as subject, which was uncommon enough since the animal I was typically drawn to was large and powerful. In addition my internal image of the self had so much to do with the power and self protection of the wolf, hence my medicine name, Standing Wolf.<br />
<br />
I gave myself to this unexpected shift and fleshed out a sweet, delicate figure that felt to me to be the epitome of the feminine doe that was self contained, conscious and waiting. She felt to be pregnant.. though this is a subtle detail that is likely lost on some. She appeared to me to be carrying life within her. She lies with her legs pulled in, resting. Her head is set back with her long, elegant neck somewhat liquid in relaxation while maintaining a sense of awareness.<br />
<br />
My impulse.. as the figure developed... was to enclose her in the bars of a seeming cage that were rib bones. She was cast in plaster and I set out a course of construction after weeks of internal battle. "Why on earth would you possibly want to enclose this lovely figure in a cage of bones?" I asked myself. I have learned to trust these quiet whispers and finally gave myself to this realization.<br />
<br />
The constructed figure stayed out in the open where I could pass by her day in, day out.. to assess my internal responses to this new idea. It is not all that outlandish if you've seen my assemblage work. But, up until that juncture there were no representational figures associated with the assemblage work. This would be the first time the world of my bronze figures and my constructions would marry.<br />
<br />
Finally, one day, it hit me. This luscious, languid form represented my childhood. I remembered the memory of me as an 8 (or so) year old little girl running through the woods as the deer. I could feel her long, delicate legs lifting high to leap the brambles and bushes with ease. I could feel my long, arched neck pull my head back, ears flicking, nostrils flaring as the sweet air rushed into my form, down my long neck, filling my enormous lungs. Every fiber of my being said this was real. It felt real. I KNEW myself to be the deer. In this figure, I tapped again that visceral experience and sat with the essence of it alive within me as I gazed at the figure before me.<br />
<br />
What occurred to me next was a huge revelation.<br />
<br />
This figure, this peaceful, composed doe was lying within the belly of the wolf. This made complete sense from so many angles I can scarcely explain it in this limited little blog. But, my childhood, with its own style of contrast. Family challenges that were powerful enough for me to avoid going home. The woods were my sanctuary. In the woods I was safe. When I entered them, whatever was happening at home would drop off of me like water beading up and rolling off as I entered the woods. I knew ONLY the woods, only the discovery of that special land that was fueled by my rich imagination.<br />
<br />
The nature of myself as individual and perhaps compounded by my family dynamic, I was propelled ever deeper into myself. I was extremely shy. The silence of the woodland was a comforting blanket that felt like home, filled with magic... where any good thing was possible.<br />
<br />
Years later, in my forties... in the highest point of struggle when our most powerful rockets of desire are catapulting in every direction, I felt rise within me the primal, flesh tearing force of the wolf alive within me. I feared that aspect of me might do something awful if I did not leave. After exhausting all other options I felt I had no choice but to leave. My very survival seemed to depend upon it. Hence .. the studio.<br />
<br />
While in the studio I began to remember who I was and found the gentle, vulnerable self return bit by bit, while the protector within learned, over time that I no longer needed so fierce an exterior. In the process of coming to terms with the wolf within, I learned to love him. Knowing it was the wolf that made it possible to survive childhood trauma, fears and their repercussions. The wolf was becoming my friend.<br />
<br />
A step further and I was learning to thrive. It was in that phase of development that the above mentioned sculpture was constructed. Observing her over time, I learned a lot about myself and about the different kinds of power. The entire experience helped me to realize that I had further to go. Now I wanted to take to heart the blending of the two worlds.<br />
<br />
As my life evolved around this practice, the (then) wolf at my side, Attah Waya passed, (see origin of this journey in previous posts) and this travel journey was brought to life.<br />
<br />
Now, three years later I sit on a mountaintop in Northern California contemplating the countless deer, buck and other wild life that pass through our property and hang out, eating apples from our trees daily. They bed down on the hillside just outside my kitchen window.<br />
<br />
The volume of wildlife that make up the living expression of abundance that flows on this mountain</div>Diane "Standing Wolf" Collinshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09257112459361186610noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2564487324541479918.post-36431869132689311652011-08-30T13:41:00.000-07:002011-08-30T13:41:02.699-07:00Returning to Center<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on"> <br />
<div class="p1">It has been too long since my last journal entry, my apologies. It is a perpetual balance, that I intend to refine more specifically, to journal this external walk with my internal one here on these pages for like minded souls to explore. I hope it inspires and lifts you on the walk that is uniquely yours.</div><div class="p1"><br />
</div><div class="p1">August 30th, 2011</div><div class="p1">Bed bound for the moment</div><div class="p1"><br />
</div><div class="p1">I have been stationed in the hills of northern California on a remote piece of land with a breath taking view of the rolling hills, daily mist and expanse of stars around us. Rent in exchange for animal and land care. Cash was slow to come but now is flowing as I build my way back to being on the road with improved facilities and a renewed sense of abundance as well as a return to art slowly evolving. </div><div class="p1"><br />
</div><div class="p1">After a few weeks of work some of which was powerfully physical, I find myself brought to a stand still with a minor back injury that requires I sit still. I was brought to tears early this morning while addressing spasms that threatened to take over my back. Pain salve applied, warm blankets obtained and now, hours later in a seated position.. the spasms have left me. In the interim, facing the beliefs I hold about the limits of the body coupled with the desire to transform those beliefs, I was compelled into a powerful point of inspiration that began with two sentences and fleshed out into the bit of writing below. </div><div class="p1"><br />
</div><div class="p2">I have found that If I overlook the subtle indicators of my emotional experience, my body and nature will manifest the faint whispers of the herald of my inner heart as it intermingles with the ether of life around me. Just as a "call to arms" alerts those preparing to go to battle, so too do these external manifestations offer me a call to the mind and heart. </div><div class="p1"><br />
</div><div class="p2">The instance I place my focus on the external indicators that are revealed in the details of my physical experience and identify them as the unifying thread that bridges between the physical and metaphysical, I find the ease of my deep, long breath return. In the wave of relief that flows into my body with that first breath, I draw into me in the confirmation that I am intimately connected with all of life. I am an integral element within it. I am a contributing member within a system that is supported by a network of life, wisdom and experience that has no beginning and no end. I am at once an individual and a unified fragment or collection of fragments within a whole. </div><div class="p1"><br />
</div><div class="p2">There was a time I felt insignificant in comparison to the astonishing world I was born into. The idea of self limit was the illusion that formulated my walk inadvertently. At that time, it seemed nature was something separate, something outside myself that functioned in a perpetual state of perfection at a time when I somehow resided on its flawless perimeter. I had long since, locked away the memory of a childhood experience that would have me believe otherwise. </div><div class="p1"><br />
</div><div class="p2">I was 12 years old. My parents divorced and I was refining my practice of floating when life would spin too fast around me. My mother and stepfather were arguing and I was slipping deeper and deeper into my drawing when something deep within the recesses of my awareness fractured and burst open an aspect of me that endured life long confinement.</div><div class="p1"><br />
</div><div class="p2">I sprang to my feet and confronted my mother and Max, defending my right to peace, knowing, deep within the marrow of my bones that I was entitled to that luscious abstract idea that called to me when life around me seemed to implode. Until that moment, anyone I perceived as having authority over me would have all right and power to alter my path to the quiet within me because I knew no better. I would hide within my mind.. not only blocking out the battle that ensued around me, but also blocking myself in from the ease of life that flowed beyond the confines of my family life.</div><div class="p1"><br />
</div><div class="p2">The blow of my sudden outburst became apparent in the wide open, bewildered eyes of the 'gods" before me, brought me back into my 12 year old form and filled my body with an instinctual impulse to run. Overwhelmed by my physical experience that rippled through my body, and in that found myself propelled through the door and to the pavement as I made my way at full throttle, the woods. "The woods" as I understood them at that point were in all actuality isolated, diminutive patches of trees that felt expansive in my youthful perception and none the less, offered me solace.</div><div class="p1"><br />
</div><div class="p2">Hunkered down in the wave of emotions that vibrated within me. I clenched my knees to my chest and buried my face in great waves of sadness that rose from the depths of my awareness and billowed up and over in great heaving pulses, pouring through me unrestricted, soaking my face, my arms, my idea of myself.</div><div class="p1"><br />
</div><div class="p2">I recall feeling like a spec, insignificant, incapable and inextricably bound to a pattern of experience that appeared to hold me at an inexhaustible distance from joy, peace and the sense of fulfillment that I was ravenous for.</div><div class="p1"><br />
</div><div class="p2">It was in that wave of illusion that seemed so real, that felt to be my concrete reality as if I had no control over any aspect of it. After all, how could an insignificant spec make any changes to the powerful personalities that made up my daily existence? How could a child of 12 wield any power of the world around her?</div><div class="p1"><br />
</div><div class="p2">It was then I heard the faintest hint of something "other". Initially it crept into my awareness like the faint sound of laughter. It seemed far away and floated to me in diminutive fragments popping around me in impish, fairy fashion. Initially it was barely audible and appeared to be a great distance away, even perhaps as if it were a memory. As I placed my mind's attention on it, it grew in volume and proximity to my body. Moving past the agitation that life itself would laugh at me .. I opened my eyes to see if I could identify the unsympathetic source that now giggled all around me. </div><div class="p1"><br />
</div><div class="p2">As I gazed at my surroundings I realized that when I jumped into the woods, I happened to leap a small brook in the process and was hunkered down, knees to chest with the small brook literally at my feet. I immediately found myself mesmerized by the little sprite like bursts of light that danced on the surface of this happy little brook as it hopped, danced and giggled its way past me. I found myself smiling as this merry little bit of life and water seeped into my consciousness with its contagious, expanding joy.</div><div class="p1"><br />
</div><div class="p2">I dried my eyes as I surveyed the environment that enveloped me. Curious about the source of light that caused the sunlight to fall and jump with a mind of its own on the magical land that now seemed to cradle me in comfort. Gazing upward I was blown away by the golden canopy that hovered above me. It was early fall. I had landed under a golden beach tree in full luster. Its yellow/ gold leaves layered high above me shimmered and danced in the warm, periodic breeze of this perfect October afternoon. The layering of leaves provided a richness of golds that were punctuated by the contrast of crisp blue sky.</div><div class="p1"><br />
</div><div class="p2">As I breathed in the fullness of that vision, my lungs, my heart, the very essence of my being filled and broke open with a burst of light and in visceral sense I felt my chest cavity OPEN to this perfect vision. In that moment, I heard within me .. "this is a LIVING cathedral". I breathed this in as it flowed to me.. it filled every dark corner of my conscious reality and filled me with a lightness and sense of expansiveness that I had never experienced before. </div><div class="p1"><br />
</div><div class="p2">In that miniscule fragment of time I felt broke open and felt that I had poured myself out into that ether.. that something within me was released from the confines I put it within and it immediately was allowed to return to its source where it/ I was embraced by something that defies description. I felt a sense of love, joy, belonging that was unknown to me and yet not at all foreign. I felt there was no division between myself and it that I was so close to it, so one with the experience of it that I could discern no division between us and yet I remained fully myself. I was at once, the 12 year old girl, some larger part of me specifically and yet so much larger than humans seemed to me to be. I felt a part of something so large, there was no measurement for it. I was squatting not on soil but on fragments of that same space that enveloped me.</div><div class="p1"><br />
</div><div class="p2">As this experience unfolded I heard within me a voce that was not my own, but not exactly a voice that soothed the child within as it explained, "this is always available to you, no matter where you are, no matter what you are doing. All you ever have to do is remember this and you can return to it whenever you want. It will always exist, it never did not exist and you are a part of it."</div><div class="p1"><br />
</div><div class="p2">I flushed as I returned to sensitivity to the small, flesh and bones body that housed my greater self and this astounding experience. I have no recollection of considering the oddness of it. The inarguable truth of it echoed in me with such vibrant reality I just sat.. basking in this new found sensation. "I am a part of ALL this" I whispered to myself.. I will remember this.</div><div class="p1"><br />
</div><div class="p2">In time the muddled life of the physical plane made it hard to hold this memory in the front of my mind and in time.. the sensation of it receded as my "normal" childhood as the more common sense of separateness took over me. The two experiences seem unable to reside within the body at one time as if they are two impassioned halves of a whole. </div><div class="p1"><br />
</div><div class="p2">It took decades of experiences to acquire the knowledge that came to me in that miniscule fragment of time in my tender youth. And yet, all along, when things appeared their darkest, I always had this, at times nearly undetectable, undercurrent thought that "I am loved", "I am a part of something so much larger, better, more wonderful than this". I suppose it is that thread shimmering and floating between the dark spaces and the light that keeps me returning again and again to that same point of departure.</div><div class="p1"><br />
</div><div class="p2">The memory of this experienced surfaced in my thirties and again in my early forties when living in large, industrial space where I met many animals that spoke with me. This was my life long link to that voice. I had imagined myself as a deer soon after we first moved from the suburbs of West Chester to the rural farmland, with wooded outcrops left between giant sectors of worked land. In the woods surrounding our neighborhood, I first imagined myself a doe. I felt my long, delicate, ample legs lift high with elegance and grace as I leapt over brush and fallen debris and bounded silently through the woods. I felt my nostrils flare as I drew in great heaving waves of the details of my environment travel down and expand my long, arched neck and fill my lungs to capacity as they danced in my mind fleshing out the land I was moving within. I was the deer.</div><div class="p1"><br />
</div><div class="p2">In that patch of woods in Indian Run Village, I was one with nature from a 6yr old's perspective. I knew the animals understood me. I inspected, adored and protected the living things in that little woodland that was my solace, my sanctuary. Much of that child within me remained hidden for years but she was a constant source of strength for me and the companion I returned to again and again when trouble seemed to strike. </div><div class="p1"><br />
</div><div class="p2">It was she that spoke with the animals. It was that larger self that was brave in the face of fear. It was that organic, connected, knowing self that again surfaced after I left my former husband when I found that amazing studio space knowing as I committed to that living space I would return to the artist within me and regain the footing necessary to thrive once again. </div><div class="p1"><br />
</div><div class="p2">It was at that pinnacle moment of moving away, again, from darkness that I was able to perceive the light and life that abounded all around me. It was then that I instinctively raced back to speaking with animals, listening to the divine in nature and slowly I reawakened to the best of me. </div><div class="p1"><br />
</div><div class="p2">On the heels of my Vision Quest (that took place over a two week period in New Mexico, Arizona and a high desert mountain in California), I was impacted by an intimate exchange with a sparrow regarding the nature of my existence on this plane. I had been taught in 2003, by my Navajo teacher to trust the discourse that I have with nature. Jake reminded me that this instinctive pull to speak with and listen to the beings that I met on the journey was my deeper counsel and was worthy of my trust. Jake helped me to understand with my thinking mind that I have the infinite at my disposal through dialog with all of nature. This was my long heald childhood belief confirmed. Nature was the signpost, the guide, the teacher intrinsically connected to the source that unifies all of us. </div><div class="p1"><br />
</div><div class="p2">One of the most poignant teachers that have come to me since that life altering moment under that golden beach tree was the only sparrow that spoke to me in my life to this point. She came to me unexpectedly. I was digging my way out of years of deception and steadily returning closer to the gifts that are my unique expression on this plane at this time. I was working in Gerry's garden. I found her body in the fountain, thinking she was dead. On closer inspection, I realized she was still alive, though barely. She was unable to hold her head up and was saturated to the bone, cold and barely breathing. </div><div class="p1"><br />
</div><div class="p2">I disregarding Gerry's well intended suggestion to put her out of her misery as I dried her off and placed her in a safe box with grasses and branches.. hoping the smells might diffuse for her the smell of that alien space I placed her in. I drove home thinking about her and speaking to her in my mind. I wished for her total wellness and asked her if there was anything she wanted of me. If she knew what it was she needed and let her know I would do anything I could to help her to return to the vigor and vitality that was her nature. </div><div class="p1"><br />
</div><div class="p2">When we got home I attempted to feed her, (I kept a supply of powdered supplements for injured or young birds). She rejected it. I attempted to offer her water.. she rejected that as well. With a little embarrassment, I apologized.. of course she didn't want water she'd had enough. I considered the possibility she may want to pass on undisturbed. She was still very weak and by then it was nearly night fall. I closed the box, making certain she had ample air and spoke to her again.. asking for guidance about her needs.. that I was happy to create a safe place of love for her to rest and that I would seek counsel about her well being and how I might assist her process.</div><div class="p1"><br />
</div><div class="p2">That night she returned to my thinking frequently and each time she did I asked for any clue about what I might best offer her. Nothing seemed to come to me but that she was good in the box and I needed to allow her time, privacy, silence, safety. In the morning her well being was the first thought in my mind and I again asked for guidance. In my mind I saw myself on the roof of our large industrial building and imagined her flying after I tossed her over the edge of our 4 story building. </div><div class="p1"><br />
</div><div class="p2">This seemed like a bit of a harsh risk, this vision that came to me and I brushed it off as something that was of no consequence, nothing more than a quizzical blip that occurred. As I went to her I touched the box, sending my love to her.. thinking about her vitality and my desire to assist her. As I lifted the box I was incredulous when I thought I felt a burst of movement in the box. As I lifted the lid.. she looked up at me, with a sparkling, vibrant pulse of energy emitting from her gaze she sat on the branch and chirped what seemed to be a greeting. </div><div class="p1"><br />
</div><div class="p2">She made no effort to fly away, but when I attempted to feed her again, she rejected it and the vision of dropping her from the edge of our high industrial building flooded me once again and this time with a force that propelled me forward toward that goal. I placed the lid gently on top of the box enclosing this tender, powerful life and made my way to the roof. She was bursting with energy inside the box. I had no sense that she was frantic so much as excited. She chirped and fluttered, then fell silent as I placed the box on the long high wall that encompassed the border of our building. </div><div class="p1"><br />
</div><div class="p2">I chose the greenest corner of our building where a wall of vegetation transformed the hard, red brick surface of the tall northeastern corner of our building into a living wall of soft green that seemed alive with the light pulse of breezes that intermittently tickled the foliage just enough to create a shiver of movement that rippled across the span of green. </div><div class="p1"><br />
</div><div class="p2">I gazed down the high, lush corner that hovered over a fine trimmed green lawn and pondered again that odd vision of tossing the vulnerable, feathered being off this precipice to an uncertain fate. I took a breath and slowly opened the box. As I did I spoke again with the little creature explaining the situation to her. She stood calmly as I eased my hands into the box. I held them open at either side of her tiny frame hoping she'd hop on.. she complied with no delay and, if anything, with what seemed to be an uncanny eagerness and ease.</div><div class="p1"><br />
</div><div class="p2">I spoke with my heart.. the caution of her height.. on the low wall that teetered over the green expanse. She hopped off my hand and surveyed her options. As she did I spoke with her again using my voice... about the wall, the height, my peculiar vision that compelled me.. thinking perhaps she could use it to gain speed enough to open her wings and sour like a kite with the drop fueling her lift. The risk of course was great.. if she was not strong enough to return to flight she would suffer injury or worse.. be propelled briskly into bliss.</div><div class="p1"><br />
</div><div class="p2">"If I must I will toss you over, but I'd prefer not to, if you have the ability of flight within you", I explained. As I did.. she hopped one step toward me, eyeing me.. cocking her head as she seemed to try to put me into focus.. then hop again, as I explained.. to look over the edge, pondering the idea with me. She hopped in my direction one final time to take a long, slow look into my eyes. Then with a valiant chirp and quick twist and hop, she jumped off the side of the building just as I imagined in my vision of dropping her.</div><div class="p1"><br />
</div><div class="p2">At first she seemed lost in free fall as she plummeted down toward the green space far below us. Then within a few feet of the hard, solid ground of reality she popped her wings open and rocketed upward back toward the high, northeastern corner from which she just came. As she arced in a graceful pirouette, she turned and followed the long, northern rim allowing me full view of her return to flight. Her flight seemed the physical expression of celebration, of joy and of the absolute vibrancy of life. Following her form, drinking in her abundant nature I was flooded with this phrase, which she seemed to share with me as she traveled the length of our building.. the words echoed over and over.. "I am you, I am you, I am you" she said. My eyes filled with tears of appreciation as I watched her tiny form slip off into the the mass of green south of our building and her message rippled within me.. "I am you". </div><div class="p1"><br />
</div><div class="p2">This momentary point of discourse has returned to me countless times since that day and stands as a pinnacle example of how nature comes to us as an aspect of the divine in physical form. Or perhaps it stands as an demonstration of the link we share with our devotional brothers and sisters who are, with us indelibly bound through a unifying sea of energy, spirit and knowing.</div><div class="p1"><br />
</div><div class="p2">All of this leaves me with the intoxicating idea that I am an essential component of that great mystery that I so admire within the blue sky, the towering ancient tree, the wolf within the forest and the soft quiet wind that teases my hair. </div><div class="p1"><br />
</div><div class="p2">This elemental truth dissolves the cloudy film that diminished my otherwise perfect vision. The moment that barrier liquifies I return to the internal anchor within this physical body and with clarified vision, the minute gaps in my emotional walk are more apparent and infinitely easier to rectify. Once this opens within me, I am then able to return to the ease and flow that is my birthright and my intended experience regardless of all else that occurs on this plane.</div><div class="p1"><br />
</div></div>Diane "Standing Wolf" Collinshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09257112459361186610noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2564487324541479918.post-63935677171662833702010-02-25T21:37:00.000-08:002010-02-25T21:37:24.044-08:00Why am I Blogging?So, why exactly DOES this blog exist?<br />
<br />
This blog began as a journal for my On The Road journey originally scheduled for 2009. Because I am following my intuition the development of the why and where has needed time to formulate.<br />
<br />
Much has happened since I set out on this path and clarity is forming powerfully now.<br />
<br />
My journey began with the purging of my belongings and the apartment and vehicle that represented my being tied to the world in a fashion that no longer served me.<br />
<br />
One 21' RV and One 6.2L Diesel Chevy Superban later I am down to about 15-20 boxes of living and creative supplies as where I am going comes into sharper focus. <br />
<br />
I have mentioned early on the choice to make this trip was due to the loss of my dear buddy Attah. (the blonde shepherd at the top of the blog.) It is outside the box a bit to change one's life because of a dog. Certainly not the average life choice.. people have been put in padded rooms for less. But, if you lived my life you might understand how one dog could change so much for me.<br />
<br />
Certainly, it was not just one dog. This dog in particular was a remarkable being.. and, the clincher is, she spoke to me. I could not tell you what her voice sounds like within me.. but I can tell you, that feeling of KNOWING someone other than yourself is speaking within you is an undeniable feeling.<br />
<br />
People who live closely with their dogs experience such things often with a softer nuance.. they just know when their dog needs to potty, eat, play, cuddle, walk, drink, etc. This little nuance is the very thing that initiated this trip... and for that reason this blog.<br />
<br />
Attah reached into me the last day we had together.. and made it clear to me she needed me to "let her go".<br />
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It all happened when I finally had proof that her hind quarters were so riddled with cancer, they were literally translucent. There were options of surgery.. but I hesitated.. did she want this? Was it worth it? Was she up for the daily phsyical therapy and the drastic change in her body structure? And, knowing her mother AND father died of cancer.. what really were her chances of survival?<br />
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I was devastated to have to consider forcing the death of this most gentle friend and intelligent soul so filled with grace. But, I had to choose what was best for her. She made it clear to me she was in horrific pain. She refused to lay down or sit for over 11 hours. She was exhausted. I was terrified and horribly sad.<br />
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I did what I do when I am forced to make a decision before I feel I am ready.. I reach out to those closest to me. With regard to the dogs in my life, I am fortunate to have a large, remarkable circle of people to reach into when I am at a loss. I needed those closest to my Attah experience ..<br />
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Nancy, Sandi and Christi were fortunately near their phones.. and able to make time to speak with me while pressed into panic with the force of this terribly difficult decision weighing on me.<br />
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Nancy knew my deeper spirit, the way I lived with the animals in my intimate and larger world. She understood my particular spirit path which involves a deep, intuitive connection with nature in general. Nancy breeds Shilohs in her home and is responsible for Yona's dad and uncle Cody, (whom I foster for a short time).<br />
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Sandi is another kindred soul who knows my spirit path from a slightly different, though deeply related, perspective and hovers in and out of my world as a sort of healer. Sandi is the happy owner of a shiloh named Bella who happens to be the aunt of my "puppy" Yona.<br />
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Christi, the first shiloh breeder I met and still one of the most impressive breeders I've met. She hand rears her pups.. taking 6 weeks off to be with them in their early development.. exposing them to new sounds, smells, experiences.. offering them the most remarkable, sound base to begin from. Christi was basically Attah's human Grandma. It is because of Christi that Attah found her way into my world.<br />
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I reached out to these remarkable women on the last day of Attah's life.. searching for the discernment and strength to make the decision that was best for this dear friend of mine who was suffering so severely.<br />
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It is in time such as these that people's true colors show.. and these women were able to be so very present.. their genuine concern and support could not have come to me more fully than it did that day.<br />
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I recall Sandi mentioning, "Did you ask Attah what she wants?".<br />
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This might sound odd to some.. but, for me.. I was almost embarrassed.. how could I overlook such a simple thing? Me, who has spoken to animals since childhood.. who has had more hawks, foxes, birds and other animals speak to me, guide me in such profound ways. How could I overlook this simple, natural question?<br />
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I did just that. I sat with my dear friend. I wrapped my arms around her.. trying to support her.. and asked her.. "what would you have me do?" I explained to Attah the procedure the doctor recommended. I told her I'd find the money.. and that I would be with her through her recovery.. and we'd figure it out together. I would be there every day with her.. doing her exercises.. preparing for a new way of dealing with the physical world. I told her, "if you want to do that, I promise you, I can do that and we will find healing through the process." But, if you are not up to that.. that is ok too. But I need you to make it utterly clear to me. I can not bear the thought of making this decision without being utterly clear about what you want."<br />
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I had my arms supporting her exhausted frame.. holding her there.. smelling her coat.. feeling the presence of this angel of a dog... and quickly from deep within I felt a vibration rise in me.. it shook me deeply... rattled me.. in pulses gathered together sharply I heard within me... "you have to let me go. I need you to let me go." She was crying it to me... for a moment, a flash in time.. I could feel this remarkable being resonating within me.. echoing within me with a force I had not experienced before.<br />
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I tried not to lose it completely.. which took some doing.. but I nodded silently as the tears ran like a torrent down my face.. "ok" I softened her. "I do hear you.. I love you so very much.. if this is what you want.. I will make it happen." The moment I told her that I felt as if a burden was lifted from her.. one that now I was prepared to carry.<br />
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Without carrying on this story to its fullest.. I will tell you, she spoke to me again as we approached the vet's office. My vet was unable to come to the house and do what we must. I had no choice but to head to him. I explained all this to Attah as we got in the vehicle and drove to the vet. As we got closer to the vet.. I watched my magnificent friend in the rear view mirror. As I told her what we were going to do.. I told her, "you are going to fly into bliss my friend... all your pain will be gone.. you will no longer be confined by the limits of this beautiful body you inhabit... and you will be immersed with the infinite. I will miss you so terribly.. but I am so grateful for the time we have had together."<br />
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As I spoke with her I watched her stance change. She lifted her head, for the first time in two days. By the time we arrived at the vet, she was standing as if she were the healthiest she has ever been. It was puzzling at the time, but I've come to understand the experience from a new vantage point.<br />
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When it was time to get her out of the vehicle.. I heard within me.. "please.. don't pick me up. Please, just step back, I can do this." I looked at her surprised.. knowing this amazing dog had been standing for so terrbly long and knowing what I knew about the condition of her bones.. I hesitated.. "honey, I can help." She stared at me, not moving forward... staring me in the eyes.. "I can do this, please let me." I nodded.. and apologized.. stepped back.. and she jumped out of the truck and landed as if she were absolutely, perfectly sound.<br />
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Had I known no better, I'd think there was absolutely nothing wrong with this vital, sparkling animal.<br />
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As I moved toward her to leash her.. (she was a very well behaved dog.. who could be utterly trusted to walk with me.. and stay with me.. but i always leashed her near streets.. to keep her safe.. just in case. But on this occasion, as I went to leash her.. she turned and looked at me.. and again.. her essence reached within me and I knew she did not want or need the leash. I nodded.. and said to her, "as you wish dear".<br />
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We walked, with Attah about 6 or 7 feet ahead of me.. walking calmly up the block. She led me to the sidewalk that makes its way directly to the vet's door. When she reached that path.. she stopped.. looked up the sidewalk at the door and turned to look at me. As she did this.. I began to cry. She stared at me for a brief moment.. and dropped her head, her shoulders and her tail, at which point I heard within me, "You are not ready. You must get yourself ready." I nodded silently, through my tears.. as she walked up the sidewalk away from the vet.<br />
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I thanked her for understanding.. and we walked a bit into the neighborhood around the vet's office.<br />
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It was a most beautiful summer day. We walked and I watched her every move.. she walked on ahead of me just slightly.. she took her time.. and watched all the life around her. Where every day prior she could barely lift her head.. now she was watching all the world around her.<br />
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At one point, she stopped and scanned the yards ahead of her and her gaze stopped on a single red flower in a neighboring yard. I watched her walk a half block or so up to this singular flower. She gazed at it up close.. then buried her nose deep within it.. sniffing it for the longest time. Not once had i ever seen her notice a flower.. let alone.. bury her nose for a sniff. She was never nose-centric. We worked a garden for 5 years.. and not once do i recall her showing any interest in flowers.<br />
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Once satisfied.. she lifted her head.. still standing there.. and then gazed all around her.. she watched a group of birds fly over head.. and watched intently as they trailed off into the distance.. then she slowly turned her gaze upon me.. and stood there staring deep into me.. and that is when she gave me the biggest gift any animal has ever bestowed upon me. It was at that moment that I felt a swelling within me.. as she said, "LOOK at what you have here .. LOOK where you live.. EVERY day you have access to this. EVERY day.. it is always here for you. LOOK at this!" Then she gazed off again.. and I walked up to her.. put my arm and hand across her strong back.. and thanked her.. "you are so right.. I need to remember this more and more... I promise.. I will remember to look.. remember to listen. I promise. Thank you!"<br />
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Then, we walked a little longer.. silently now.. and then, she turned .. and headed back to the vet.<br />
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By the time we got a block away.. I was doubting this seemingly sound dog would have to be put down. I called Nancy one last time. We stood just across the street katy corner from the vet. "How do you do it? How do you let go of an animal that looks like the picture of health?" My dear friend softly replied.. you know she is not healthy. You know she is in pain. Allow her to go with the dignity that is so much of who she is. This is the time to do it. Don't wait until she is lost to the pain of her body." ... "YES", I said. "You are right... Thank you".<br />
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As I hung up my cell phone.. I looked at Attah.. she glanced up at me and began stepping into the road.. I took her collar so she didn't step into traffic. As the the road cleared.. she walked ahead of me.. and lead me directly into the vets office.. when I opened the door, without a leash, she stepped right up to the counter... and waited patiently.<br />
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The vet knew us well and knew we were coming.. the girls behind the counter all came around to speak with Attah.. and all eyes were brimming over. They had known her since she was young.. and everyone would marvel at Attah.. she was so calm, so gentle.. a real ambassador for her kind. It was touching to know this office was so impacted by her life.. that same scene would repeat itself for many months to come as my path would cross with others who knew her and who heard the sad news.<br />
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In time I wrote a tribute to her which happened to get printed in the Chestnut Hill Local. I received calls and notes from people whom I'd known some time, or either met in passing or never met at all but who saw the article and remembered seeing Attah waiting patiently for me outside a shop in Chestnut Hill.. all billowing with remarks about Attah's powerful presence. To know she touched so many lives is a comfort.. to know I had 6 fortunate years with her as my closest, daily companion was a great blessing.<br />
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In the months that followed her departure from this plane.. much about my path with her came into sharper focus. I realized a year and a half prior to her death, either she influenced my dreams or my intuition was tapped. Thanks to a terrible dream we discovered her kidneys were going toxic. Had I not insisted they do blood work.. based on my dream.. who knows what could have happened.<br />
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Revisiting those memories.. I remembered a promise I made to her that I did not follow through on. I promised I'd listen better to my intuition... and create a space in our life for travel to the National Parks.. I bought a pop up camper with that in mind.. and did a little bit of camping with her.. but not nearly as much as I would have liked. I was still clinging to old ideas of limitation.<br />
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By the end of August I was pressed by my landlord to sign a years lease. The idea did not sit well with me for many reasons.. but mostly.. it was the feeling I was left with.. and then.. it happened.. I realized everything was exactly as it needed to be. I needed to change my life.. to focus my life on my intuition.. and learn to develop it more fully... learn to trust it again.. I could see now so many ways my walk with Attah was assisting that process and that process culminated with the conversation she and I had on that fateful day.<br />
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So what was that picture of my life? What needed refining?<br />
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I realized I had always wanted to travel cross country. I always dreamed of seeing the National Parks... dreamed of traveling ruggedly .. just me and my dog... doing art.. submerging in nature.. writing... hiking.... living quietly. I remembered around the time I bought the camper I had a powerful urge to purge my belongings.. and I did little bit by little bit, yard sale by yard sale.. but was still clinging to things.. and ideas that I was now ready to shed.<br />
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And so, that is how this was all born.<br />
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That is why the trip exists.. that is it must be solo.. that is why it is exactly what it is. I have listened to my heart since.. the journey continues to surprise me... and baffle others. Why am I not already in TX or NM or CA? Because.. I felt led to an inner journey first.. Lee was part of that.. and much of that is fully realized now.. and I am moving powerfully toward the road again.<br />
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So now.. funding for the trip is well under way. The mobile business is well under way... the design for the Superban conversion is well under way... much is in process.. and I am very excited.. and all this.. because of one furry life that intertwined with mine .. and I hers.. <br />
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That seems like a good reason to blog... I have a growing feeling of rightness about all this.. I have felt good about it all along.. but I am feeling even more aware of the abundance it is creating for me.. and i hope for others as well. It seems all too often we set our dreams aside.. or assume they are silly.. or childish... and set them aside or poo poo them altogether.<br />
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Remembering we have choices we might not realize.. we are in a more powerful position than we might realize.. choices.. visualizing.. listening.. has brought about a new, magical life for me.. what will it do for you?Diane "Standing Wolf" Collinshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09257112459361186610noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2564487324541479918.post-62829813792404904122010-02-25T19:34:00.001-08:002020-01-14T17:04:06.955-08:00ClearingDiane "Standing Wolf" Collinshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09257112459361186610noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2564487324541479918.post-16720403867821761762010-01-31T17:15:00.001-08:002020-01-14T17:04:06.848-08:00Winter'sDiane "Standing Wolf" Collinshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09257112459361186610noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2564487324541479918.post-14745161143081758942009-12-14T20:11:00.000-08:002009-12-14T20:11:17.489-08:00Removing the ClutterDriving can offer a kind of contemplation not terribly different then mindful meditation. The movement of the vehicle and other vehicles we share the road with require my attention in such a fashion that, now at 45, I can drive without being stressed or fully occupied mentally. This seems to allow a kind of free thinking, unencumbered.<br />
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That being said, today's revelation occurred on the drive back to Philly after a weekend away.<br />
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It occurred to me the grand picture of my life currently mirrors an important pocket of my life experience.<br />
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In recent weeks I must have mentioned this two or three times to someone.. that the PA Academy of the Fine Arts has such a great program specifically because they require every student take a broad platform of classes the first two years. It is aptly called the foundation program. The second two years you focus on your major in whatever medium that suits your personal expression.<br />
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The fantastic thing about this set up is, by its nature, it helps to remove the obstacles created by cluttered thinking and preoccupations with the many unknowns that can cripple an artist's vision and expression. The challenge with finding focus is its own task in a young artist or one who has allowed the countless distractions of life inhibit their personal path toward unique expression.<br />
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The challenge is compounded by hidden and known fears. The fear can stem from many places.. many experiences. Each individual who hopes to tap their greatest potential would need to do their homework in learning to be honest with themselves and with forging ahead, in spite of fear, that is a given. But, on a more basic level, any one who has not faced the many facets of potential for expression found in a variety of media might be crippled by the shear volume of materials with which to express himself. Having the opportunity of a structured class with the purpose of exploring the new medium is ideal. It frustrates many new students who are fired up to rush out and speak to the world their deeply personal vision. Often, those most ready to rush the purpose find their voice, in retrospect, shallow and lacking the richness that comes with experience.<br />
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Enduring those first two years with good humor and openness something different transpires. By default we find ourselves removing the clutter that would otherwise block our path if not fully undermine our journey to rich, complex and powerful personal expression.<br />
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It seems to me that my current life is enmeshed with that very same nuance of education. I have been taking on tasks that seem silly, random, unrelated.. but it is easy to see how working at a dog grooming salon is serving me and my upcoming journey in ways I had not fathomed. The same is true for the shedding of the RV and adoption of the wonderful '83 Chevy Suburban... there is within me a sort of clearing that is happening. I can feel it.. evidence of it is around me. As my mind clears, my focus, my vision, my personal voice is returning in its full strength and splendor.<br />
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It is wonderful and unexpected to think that a dog could start this process of powerful realizations. But, then again... if you have had more than one conversation with me.. you will know that is not a far stretch for someone of my ilk. It is a great comfort to me that so much clarity would fill me at this stage.. as I feel my engine revving at a good pace now.. as I get closer and closer still to my full departure.<br />
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Now I see how, once fully prepared, I will be able to fly further into this magical journey as my clutter is cleared and my full vision restored... allowing all that I have asked for to flow to me freely as it was intended... and myself, open, willing, ready, eager to receive without a single item or experience blocking the full flow of money, ideas, inspiration, pleasure, joy and deep satisfaction.<br />
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For now... I must rest.. and hope for you all a moment's rest, luxuriating in the vast, endless beauty this life holds.. in all its mysteries and opportunities to know ourselves better and to grow more fully into the best of who we are.. a part of the infinite.Diane "Standing Wolf" Collinshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09257112459361186610noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2564487324541479918.post-22467218690877628832009-11-17T05:16:00.000-08:002009-11-17T19:42:32.808-08:00TransformationYesterday, on the heels of a very challenging conversation, I continued on my path with the vehicle conversion. (converting the old chevy suburban to a camper van for the big trip.)<br />
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Several things happened that seemed worthy of noting here.<br />
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I slammed my wrist into the wheel well when a wrench slipped. I nearly busted my wrist. A good reminder for me to slow down and not try so hard. But, to move while grounded.<br />
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So, I chose to slow down and look for a good feeling place. My pup reminded me to do that. The moment I slammed into the well and the word OUCH burst out of me, he was already planted with his head buried in my lap, pressing into me with warmth and affection... as if to say, don't loose your footing, you are supported.. you are loved. "Right," I told him. "You are right. Thanks buddy!" I watched my breathing and slowly eased myself to a different state. I did not give into the impact, but got ice and calmed myself in the warmth of the sun.<br />
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Those of you who know me well, understand that animals in my life are more than the physical presence of a creature I enjoy. But, rather become in one way or another a signpost to my spirit path. When my path intersects with that of another in a fashion of significance I take close note.<br />
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Moments after I went back to working on the truck, as I was entering and leaving the house repeatedly throughout the repair activities, I came across the prettiest little snake. Her coloration was unlike anything I have seen in PA, although she seemed clearly non poisonous and was a very young snake to boot, only about 10 inches long.<br />
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I found her sunning herself on the sidewalk and nearly stepped on her, she blended so with the long grass strands that are turning color with the fall leaves. I stooped down for a closer look and opted to move her off the sidewalk for fear of accidentally stepping on her. I gently scooted a leaf stem under her head enough to get her to lift her head so I didn't risk scraping her against the concrete. As she lifted her head I placed my fingers gently behind her head and lifted her off the sidewalk enough to get my hand under her.<br />
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She did not appear overly concerned at first. I was hoping my warm hands might be pleasant for her since she clearly was using the warm sun saturated sidewalk to warm herself. She was cool to the touch, smooth and modeled in color, variations of a brick red in a pattern that seems consistent with most garter snakes in the area.<br />
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It is interesting that she would appear when she did. I have not seen a snake up close and personal on any occasion except when there was something going on in my world that was in need of transformation. I saw eight when living with my former husband, (a relationship that needed to transform or dissolve). I saw two entangled while walking with my summer love. Within hours we faced one of the greatest challenges we experienced together which required we both address the secrets within us and consider the need to transform our perception and manifestation in the world. And yesterday, this beauty showed herself when my primary intention all day was to focus on how I felt about a recent challenge that my partner and I have faced together.. one that brought to life in a flash my darker self.<br />
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The face of the challenge really was not big. Nothing enormous happened, none the less, something within me snapped awake as if yanked out of Pandora's box. It sprang to life within me and I felt as if I was in need of self protection. Not because of any attack, but because of something under current that was lurking there hidden. It felt dangerous within... I can identify that as childhood stuff rising to the surface under my current strains. I recognize this is a temporary place.. and I am working my way, "up the scale of emotion" to get anchored again on love.<br />
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The challenge I presented was that I lost my cool and stormed out. I felt in me rage that is rare and volatile. Although I have seen far more of this in my experience with this man than I am happy to admit. I can not deny that accompanying this sensation is the deep seated feeling that this is important work and that there is purpose here.<br />
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Holding that precious little life in my hands I contemplated "Snake" and recalled the symbolism of transformation that I had been thinking about specifically earlier in the day. <br />
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I can see how I am in the midst of serious transmutation in both outward physical expression and inward, personal journey. For example, the vehicle is under physical transformation, that is obvious, but working on it represents my investment in a much larger shift that has been under way for over a year now. Of course, it is to be my home away from home.. the vehicle that carries me out west to further destinations in the State and National Parks of the west and southwest. In addition, on that journey I intend to invest myself in the creative process and tell the story of my animal/ "spirit "experiences in a variety of ways.<br />
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As much as this is part of my daily path it is a departure from the ordinary aspect of a life I might otherwise choose for myself. It defies the ordinary sense of being rooted. I will become like an air plant, finding my sustenance while moving from place to place.<br />
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I digress. While I know I have been focusing on this shift for some time, the little snake reminded me there was another shift afoot that required my full attention. I have been trying to listen more to my heart on this journey and part of that means learning to discern that still, quiet voice beyond the clamor of the day. How perfect that this snake comes to me so silently and with such grace and beauty!<br />
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So, I quieted myself and focused on the gifts of this messenger of the Universe, this special, young teacher and I heard her whisper within me... "I am a reminder of swift changes to come. Your spirit path awaits. Are you ready for change? Are you honoring your creative spirit? Does this path assist you toward your larger goals?"<br />
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When we consider the nature of the animal whose path we cross we benefit by considering their way of manifesting in the world. This has been my path by nature since I was a very small child. It is my belief we all have this within us.. we need only trust it and open ourselves to the process of listening. I moved the gentle, powerful creature to a sunnier location and thanked her for the reminders and hoped I'd honor her properly and certainly do what I could to listen and implement what I learned.<br />
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This morning I looked up snake on the net.. to sharpen my focus on her qualities and discern if there was more for me there. This is what touched me...<br />
<div style="background-color: #f3f3f3; color: #38761d;"><br />
</div><div style="background-color: #f3f3f3; color: #38761d;">"Snake has been a symbol of life and sexuality for thousands of years in many cultures. It is a totem of power, renewal and transmutation. Soundless in motion and invisible at rest snakes are unable to produce their own body heat. They are often seen lying in the hot mid day sun. The suns warmth coupled with the snakes behavior regulates their body temperature. Not relying on the energy of food to generate body heat, they can survive on meager diets for extended periods of time.<br />
</div><div style="background-color: #f3f3f3; color: #38761d;"><br />
</div><div style="background-color: #f3f3f3; color: #38761d;">Those with this totem need very little food to energize themselves. They are usually cold and prefer warmer climates. Their body temperatures are often lower than normal.<br />
</div><div style="background-color: #f3f3f3; color: #38761d;"><br />
</div><div style="background-color: #f3f3f3; color: #38761d;">Snakes lack eardrums and external ear openings but have small bones in the head that conduct sound. They are able to hear low frequency sounds and sense vibrations that travel through the earth. This links them to the underworld where secrets are stored.<br />
</div><div style="background-color: #f3f3f3; color: #38761d;"><br />
</div><div style="background-color: #f3f3f3; color: #38761d;">The snake symbolizes healing on a cellular level. Because their bodies are lightweight and flexible they have speed and agility. When they enter into your world expect swift changes to sweep through your life. These changes signify a death of the old and a birth into untapped power, creativity and wisdom. Snake is a powerful totem to have. Only those with a high degree of spiritual training, be it past or present, will be awarded this totem. It is the guardian of sacred places and the keeper of hidden knowledge." http://www.sayahda.com/cyc4.html<br />
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For now, the path is growing more clear and I am committed to listening more closely to that quiet voice, no matter what fashion it presents itself. I can feel the presence of truth when it is revealed to me. I am, after all like the snake, a child of the infinite.<br />
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I am reminded of the notion of the "many faces of God". I believe creator comes to us through ALL living things.. and every experience if we know how to tune our listening to that vibration, that level of or style of awareness. I believe this is the ultimate expression of co-creation. When we open ourselves to the life forces around us as we all are interconnected and all a part of the same truth, the same flow of consciousness. We need only slow down enough to hear it.<br />
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Until next time.. who are your spirit guides?Diane "Standing Wolf" Collinshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09257112459361186610noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2564487324541479918.post-20638605860664620722009-11-08T19:12:00.001-08:002020-01-14T17:11:03.238-08:00Animal AlliesSettling into my new digs in Mt Airy.<br />
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Yona and I took a long walk with our dearest male companion, Lee. We walked for two hours in the park that has become my second home in many ways. Yona has been long deprived of the daily walks that made up my life with my buddy Attah, the most remarkable canine companion I have experienced.<br />
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Yona is now 22 months old and a full blown adolescent. He is full of himself, and why shouldn't he be? He is a remarkable co-creator that has, in his short time here, already offered enormous contributions to my journey. (Yona is represented in the upper right corner of this blog with the dark face and piercing orange eyes)<br />
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In a post I wrote about winter 2007, I spoke about the visions that led Yona to me. Those long winded explanations were intended as the solid foundation necessary to open you to the real life, unexpected experiences I have shared with many animals, especially those with Attah on her last days.<br />
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It was, after all, specifically the unfolding of those experiences that spawned the personal evaluation and intimate restructuring of my life as I know it.<br />
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Not many people believe mystical experiences to be a part of their current reality. Of those few who do, fewer still find access to such experiences through the realm of the animal or of nature.<br />
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It is easy to understand how it is difficult to believe in events and experiences that stand so far "outside the box" when human culture and ego strives so hard to keep us aligned with all that is linear in concept and structure.<br />
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If we are born into a situation that either catapults us toward what we starve for the most or if we comfortably find our path their without effort, as my dear friend Heather has, (near Geneva; look for blogger; "HeatherRemembers". She also has posted a couple wonderful YouTube videos of her animal companions.. I need to check email to grab her links.. will post.. Heather.. if you are reading.. feel free to post the links in the comments). Anywho... certainly, in our uniqueness, there is no one path to allow for all good things to flow.. my path has fluctuated between glorious, free flowing, unexpected encounters with the magical and the tension created when my focus is diverted elsewhere.<br />
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The slingshot theory, brought to my attention by my dear friend Sandi, (powerful manifestor and sparkling soul), really feels like the perfect example of my experience into an expanded perception of life as we know it. The idea is simple really: the harder we are pressed, the more tension created, the more we are stretched and pulled by forces beyond our awareness, (whether seemingly imposed by others or self) the further our capacity to catapult far beyond our expectations into a life extraordinary.<br />
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My early childhood home was filled with turmoil that challenged all of us. My parents, both intensely creative and passionate faced challenges that stirred them deeply. Like many highly creative people who bore the weight of a previous generation's judgement for thinking too far outside the box, my parents found themselves stuck. Their parents feared art was an unreliable career and not only were they not supported, but there was a burden offered unwittingly by my grandparents in their desire to steer their children back into the structure and stability of life within the box.<br />
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However, my parents simply did not fit the linear world, yet, they had no confidence or clear path to access their creativity in a fashion that enabled it to manifest fully. Interesting though, it was this perceived limitation that helped to explode me deep into creativity and into expansive thinking. It was, after all, my grandparent's repression that bolstered my mother and father's desire to support the early sparks of creativity they saw in me.<br />
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The other side of the coin it would appear as if I might die emotionally within my childhood home. My sisters and I were reared in an environment where great, daily battles were fought with such ferocity that we each carried a frightened and embattled notion of life for many years. As the youngest child, I was so deeply embedded in fear and trauma that I would have night terrors, waking screaming aloud, lieing in a knot of blankets under my bed soaking in sweat.<br />
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I was an extremely shy child that would clutch to my mother's leg when stranger's approached. Today, of course I find myself to be a largely confident creature, eager for adventure and courageous when need be and filled with a long term stability and sense of being loved that defies my early childhood experience. Therapy helped, doing artwork helped, having a family that learned to evolve helped. Pursuing an ever evolving spiritual path has helped. But, deep within me, I know the foundation for any movement forward is grounded in a single experience I had as a 12 year old girl on the heels of the last fight I ever remember witnessing with either of my parents.<br />
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By that time in my life, my mother and father were divorced. My mother was dating a family friend who I rejected merely on principle. I had a father after all, and was not interested in that important figure in my life being dethroned, no matter how imperfect he was. Of course, looking back, Max was a good man, one I would probably enjoy as an adult. Yet, there I was, 12 years old, listening to yet another explosive argument.Diane "Standing Wolf" Collinshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09257112459361186610noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2564487324541479918.post-64226142191757023312009-11-04T19:59:00.000-08:002009-11-04T19:59:45.053-08:00Fall of AbundanceI will have to make this brief.. 52 bags of leaves today have my body recognizing the value of rest and relaxation... the pleasure and abundance of sleep... cuddling under blankets in the chilly weather..<br />
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Before I give in to the free float of sleep.. let me tell you that I am living proof of the abundance of life. I site here.. reclining in the bed that marks my new temporary home.. in Mt Airy, PA.. really a part of Philly still.. but, a wonderful little neighborhood that is known for its colorful, well educated community of diversity.<br />
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It is a great comfort to be back in this wonderful neighborhood. The mere returning to this area of the "city" (though it feels more town than city) brings about a shift.. I already have more work coming in.. and it is coming to me.. as I believed it would when I was more clear. As the clearing builds.. so will the work that will fund my upcoming BIG trip.<br />
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Soon Yona and I will walk the woods that Attah and I once traversed daily.. without exception for the first 6 months of her life. For the rest of her life she and I were blessed with daily woodland excursions and dog park outings that ranged from 45 min-3 hours daily in total. It was an extraordinary way to live a life.. for any dog let alone human living within 20 min. of a metropolis the size of Philly.<br />
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While Attah was with me I was learning to focus my attention on abundance. She of course was much better practiced than I... which is one of the reasons I saw that lovely canine as my guide.<br />
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Now, my life is coming full circle with a twist. I can feel in my bones the temporary nature of my stay.. though there is much beauty to be had here.. there is, after all, beauty everywhere.<br />
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I am focused on daily practices that will at once earn me cash to do the trip and help refine my focus of what I want, and what I believe is possible.<br />
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Work is beginning to flow.. dog portraits, uncommon portraits.. I'll set up a link once I get the web stuff under way... dog behavioral work seems to be flowing comfortably again, and a mix bag of other income producing work that feeds my soul... and I hope.. the souls of others.<br />
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Yona is in wonderful health, on the heals of Lyme diagnosis, I saw him run today like he was a 3 year old canine athlete. He is a very powerful little man/ dog. He has a big crush on the mature West Highland Terrier that resides here. Clearly the feeling is mutual. She bolted today for her front door... clearly anticipating Yona's presence.<br />
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My work is shifting in ways that surprise and delight me. All of it feels aligned with my greatest desires.. and all will help me to refine my picture of what exactly is the perfect life for me. I suspect this image will metamorph over time.. into an ever evolving picture that suits my every need.<br />
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I have a lot I am interested in learning so this blog may be more fluid in its repsentation, more worth the read.. and a great foundation for the next level of my manifestation on this plane.<br />
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In my next writing, unless something remarkable occurs that feels truly noteworthy.. I will share with you a story about Attah.. and what it is that led me to this path... until then.. let me say this..<br />
my abundant life fills me with great satisfaction knowing I am exactly where I want to be.. and exactly where I need to be to receive everything my heart desires.<br />
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The next posting will also include a link to an inspirational clip a friend made..<br />
Sleep calls me dreamily away...<br />
until next time..<br />
DDiane "Standing Wolf" Collinshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09257112459361186610noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2564487324541479918.post-41745974037448458022009-09-15T13:34:00.000-07:002009-09-15T13:55:54.144-07:00The paradox of AlignmentSomething amazing happens when we are calm, centered and open.<br />
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There is a Zen saying that speaks to this principle from a different vantage point. You have heard of the expression don't fight the river? The idea is when we release our resistance we are swept away by a force more powerful than ourselves and that body then directs our course.<br />
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That is close to what I touched upon in my last post...<br />
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I was just thinking about that.. it is scary and exhilarating all at once to take this chance.. to "LEAP", trusting the net will appear... or to give ourselves to the flow of white water that surrounds us seeming to want to pound us into the riverbed.. but, when we release.. we are lifted and carried away..<br />
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This morning I awoke contemplating the boxes I sorted through yesterday.. knowing I could pare down even further.. just pack enough to put in my back pack.. or little more.. JUST enough dishes to meet my most basic needs.. I was excited with this idea of reducing further my material goods. A dear friend in Geneva put it wonderfully when she recently did JUST that. She said she wanted to "release the things that no longer served her completely". That is it really. There are things that serve us well when we "collect" them and then in time we move into a new direction or develop further and our needs/ desires change.<br />
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Please understand I am not proposing that all people should shed all their belongings. I recognize the inarguable truth that we all are on paths that serve us and the planet in our own unique way. This just happens to be mine at this moment in time.<br />
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So, I came downstairs thinking I could bring myself down to the two china plates I inherited from both my grandmothers, a cup I use nearly every day, and a small handful of other items for the kitchen. I fed the pup and proceeded with checking morning email.<br />
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As I went through my email.. I came across a note from my mother, responding to my recent pronouncement that Lee and I had closed the door on the chapter of our union. Her remarks struck me with a rare kind of strength and clarity that mothers are known to carry for "their own".<br />
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She expressed to me she was not surprised. She had a sense when she met him that filled her with a substantial collection of ideas about who he is and how he would behave with me. She did not like fully what she saw. But she opted to remain silent about her visceral response.. feeling certain that all people are drawn together for a reason and that I had my own walk to manage. If she felt powerfully compelled to tell me, she would adhere to that .. but, she did not. So, she trusted me to the universe.<br />
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In addition to this clairvoyant response to her initial meeting with Lee she felt something else rising. (BTW: every single thing she identified was dead on correct.. none of which I shared with her in detail. Of course this is coming from the woman who knew in CO. that I was pregnant in PA without me whispering a word to her or anyone of that fact.. she called when I had not spoken with her for many months... the first words out of her mouth were, "Baby, should I be knitting baby booties? " I had not even heard "hello" first. ... So, you have a sense of where this comes from in me.. my mother's genes are strong in this arena.) <br />
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Her profoundly solid "sense" of knowing struck me with enough power that I was forced to take note of her new revelations. She told me she had a vision of my sitting under a tree with my big boy dog laying next to me in the grass. I was sitting there contemplating the next shift in my journey and asking for guidance from the Great Spirit. She had the profound sense that it was too soon for me to leave... and asked I consider slowing down and look more closely.. listening and opening myself to Spirit.. to discern.<br />
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(My mother, in the face of her clarity, has also her personal history that at times colors her vision as we all do from time to time when we fluctuate from the idea of limitation to that of abundance. With my dear mother.. fear can take hold of her in such a fashion that her otherwise very clairvoyant vision is dramatically restricted.)<br />
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For that reason it would be easy to think she was worrying too much and that it was her fear speaking.. but under the circumstances, my heart suggested I really slow down and take in exactly what she was saying. I wanted to feel my way into her words.. to get a sense, if any, of what was there for me to take in.<br />
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I responded with gratitude and finished email then sat with my step mom, Carrie, as we found our way into a wonderful pocket of sharing about life, Attah.. her clarity, the remarkable clarity animals can bring to us if we know how to listen, a dream my dad shared with me when Attah was just 4 that told him "every life has significance" and how that dream transformed his relationship with that dog I loved so dearly and finally about Spirit, the gift of challenge and how Carrie and I were similar and different in our notion of that experience.<br />
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I recall feeling so full, so centered in my belief that all really is well. That no matter what, the goodness offered by our Creator is not something that comes in the form of redemption.. but rather something that just is and that always is and that we always have access to depending upon how we perceive the world, ourselves and how we fit into that scheme.<br />
Our chat was cut short by an unexpected call... it was my dear friend Ellen Gaida, (a healer who focuses her work on body/ mind/ word...) She is remarkable, she resolved for me in three months what 3 physical therapists and medication and exercises could not do in 8 years. Anyway, I grabbed the phone and stepped outside with Yona, (my boy dog.. the dark faced boy below) to get better reception.<br />
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As we got caught up, she made her way to the reason for the call. She explained to me the situation she is looking at with a certain client that I know who recently faced the death of his wife to suicide. Something came to her at the close of their meeting together. They were looking at ways he could actively manage his emotional life to do what he could to not fall into clinical depression. One idea she had was to get him into walking a dog daily. Then suddenly, I popped into her head and her idea expanded.<br />
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The idea is in its formative stages.. but her question was <b>when was I planning on leaving</b> and where was I living in the meantime. She asked if I would give any consideration to holding off on my departure and consider a completely uncommon idea that would incorporate Yona's love for people, her client's need to be responsible to someone/ something to have a daily task, and allow me a chance to chart Yona's progress as a therapy dog of sorts. This would give me the opportunity to gather information on a much deeper level about the emotional life we share with our animals where they act as our allies/ our companions.<br />
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I have not decided.. but the call left me with such a sense of excitement and purpose.. and lit me up like you would not believe.. largely.. the timing of things.. Ellen is remarkable in this fashion. My mother's openness, given her life challenges, is remarkable in itself.. but, mothers at times, just have a way of being open with regard to their children. So, what I see here is thanks to the open hearts of these women, consciousness flows.. and offers a fashion to lift the lives of all involved.<br />
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My mother, she is lifted by knowing in her toes.. her own enormous wisdom.<br />
I am lifted by the comfort of my mother's clarity and strength and desire to secure my good while still stepping back and allowing me to grow up as the individual I am.<br />
I am lifted by the openness, warmth and acceptance of my step mom, Carrie and reminded that the only thing that separates her notion of "God" with mine of the "Creator" is language and a bit more optimism.<br />
Carrie was lifted by our conversation, finding God in all things from a new vantage point with my influence.<br />
Ellen was lifted by the sense of being aligned with my mother's concern for too early a departure, and by the idea that she might be part of initiating a process, like the catalyst she is, that will be rewarding to all involved.<br />
I would suspect Christopher stands to be lifted by the loving presence of a great big silly boy dog.<br />
The dog stands to be lifted by offering his direct link to source to another.. I am convinced this is somthing this particular dog would relish being a part of.. but I need to speak with him to be certain and will not do it unless I have the inarguable sense he is up to it... and eager for it.<br />
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So, you see.. life unfolds in its own time and its own course.. but, when we relenquish our grip on fear and limitation, all other things flow so wonderfully.. and alignment returns since we are no longer squeezing the life out of it.<br />
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I just HAD to share.. no, I have not made the decision just yet.. there is more here than I am telling.. but until I look at it from a very quiet place for a few days.. I need to keep that part within me.. but this much I can say;<br />
It is not what I planned.. but the moment I heard the words.. it was as if something within me was singing.<br />
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- Carrie said.. " I know we are only made of dust" ... I said, "Yes, we are made of dust.. but not just any dust. <span style="color: orange;">We are made of dust from the stars!" </span><br />
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Life is a paradox!<br />
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Peace to all..<br />
(inspirational video up top has warmed me over and over and over again.. I hope it does you as well.)Diane "Standing Wolf" Collinshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09257112459361186610noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2564487324541479918.post-38524394606290326772009-09-13T10:11:00.000-07:002009-09-14T12:29:00.088-07:00Love's Threshing FloorThe signs of fall are building.. green is shifting to the colors of warmth.. reminding us of the passing summer's heat as we ease into the beauty and quiet of fall.<br />
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Big change is in the air... on more levels than one.<br />
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My romantic heart hums with recognition of the alignment of life in larger and more intimate ways.<br />
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As I recognize these external seasonal changes I acknowledge my own internal rhythm shifting. As if in perfect alignment with the universe, I find myself separated from the man who has been my partner since March. We have had our cycles of learning and now find ourselves returning to our separate worlds.<br />
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One can never really know the rhythm of the universe.. or that of another heart. We assume changes will occur that do not and assume a stagnant immovable pattern will hold only to find it too has its own, unexpected fluctuation in due time. <br />
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Nothing in life is static.<br />
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The seasonal shifts always remind me of this. It is the ebb and flow in all things that keep our lives ever changing, fluctuating into and out of experiences, offering a chance to grow and expand. While we may retract temporarily in a fashion that soothes or feeds the soul... in due time we reach out and effort again at opening ourselves further to the powerful flow of life around us.<br />
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When it comes to love, whether it is toward a human partner or an animal friend.. challenges surface that require our attention. These moments of challenge can bring about a punctuated moment of change.<br />
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Do we react? Do we have the where with all to respond mindfully? Do we try to tuck life into some "safe" box and avoid risks? How long can we hold the balance of clear assessment and conscious response without our past hurts, our fears snapping us into reactionary mode? In those moments, if we are doing well, we measure and weigh how we feel about that experience, that individual or ourselves... and hopefully choose a path that helps to expand the opportunity for vulnerability and further growth.. and a deepening of love and understanding.<br />
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It is of course a worthwhile challenge, risking love. Like all the unknown aspects of this life experience it requires that we make a choice and often, do so blindfolded.. not knowing the outcome. "Leap and the net will appear", ancient Zen wisdom reminds us of the value of risk. When it comes to love, if we are to truly invest, risk is an inevitable part of that experience.<br />
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I am reminded of Kahlil Gibran's "The Prophet" when he spoke of love.<br />
(http://www.katsandogz.com/onlove.html)<br />
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"When love beckons to you, follow him,<br />
Though his ways are hard and steep.<br />
And when his wings enfold you yield to him,<br />
Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.<br />
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...For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you.<br />
Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.<br />
Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,<br />
So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.<br />
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Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.<br />
He threshes you to make you naked.<br />
He sifts you to free you from your husks.<br />
He grinds you to whiteness.<br />
He kneads you until you are pliant;<br />
And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God's sacred feast.<br />
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All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart. <br />
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But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure,<br />
Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor,<br />
Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.<br />
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Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.<br />
Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;<br />
For love is sufficient unto love..."<br />
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I am filled with immense appreciation for the man who has been my chosen partner since March. And find in the memory of those shared experiences great growth and and expanded sense of self. He is a lovely soul, whose personal challenges suited mine in such a way that I can see myself more clearly now. For that I am thankful and optimistic that new realizations will follow because of the risk taken on both our parts.<br />
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It is a bit of a strange feeling to know that I am approaching the 1 yr mark from the time I purchased the RV intended for my year on the road. And I know there are those dear to me who see this summer as a waste of my precious time.. a distraction from my important trip. Knowing there were challenges intertwined with that lovely man does not make it easier for those who love me to feel supportive of my choices. If we think of Kahlil Gibran's words it is easier to consider the value of facing off with such powerful experiences where love is involved.<br />
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I have no regrets. My heart has been devoted to following my intuition since Attah's passing last year. I have done exactly that and find purpose in every step along the way. The fact that the picture of my journey continues to shift in its timing and its nature no longer disturbs me. I have given myself to the flow of the stream that knows more than I could know in its course. And, I recognize that my inner journey is the deeper part of my larger journey.. it informs me of the next bend in the river.<br />
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If you want to know.. ask me about the dream I had about the frog and the snake the night before it all ended.. that whispered to me the coming of a big shift.. snakes and frogs both speak of transformation.. the dream was so powerful it woke me at 3:30.. I was wide awake.. sat and contemplated the impact of the dream and drew the threads between the dream and my waking life.. and feel comforted by the alignment of the dream with my magical life.<br />
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<b>Until next time.. take to heart Kahlil Gibran's words: </b><br />
<div style="color: orange;">"And think not you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course"</div>Diane "Standing Wolf" Collinshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09257112459361186610noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2564487324541479918.post-58849747942937802642009-08-21T16:06:00.001-07:002020-01-14T17:11:03.297-08:00EclipsedWhen we think of an eclipse, our mind always identifies with the highest point of eclipse. But in reality an eclipse, like anthing really can be broken down into a process of change.<br />
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Earth has witnessed an impressive collection of eclipses since July. I was fortunate to witness the August Penumbra Lunar eclipse while taking my big boy dog out for his evening romp. What a magical moon THAT was.<br />
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Watching that "magical" moon all luminous and warm as it rose slowly into the dark night sky got me to thinkin'.<br />
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So often, we humans anticipate life in the extremes. We continually assess the world and our experiences through the severe vision of black or white assessment.<br />
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Often when I think of an eclipse I have the image of our little white moon going "black" with a white halo around it. (OK, I admit.. I am not the least bit knowledgeable about such things.) However, as a visual person, the image of a warm, honey colored moon touches some chord within me and inspired me back to this blog.<br />
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It is easy for us to treat the world in black and white. We might say.. "Was that experience GOOD or BAD?" In spite of our knee jerk reaction to life which forces quick judgment on countless things, somewhere along the path to consciousness, we realize that life, like all things is a process.<br />
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For example, the moon does not, in some cartoon fashion suddenly go black. Actually solar and lunar eclipses are a gradual process in many ways.. too complex to discuss here.. But, if we look at the actual process of a penumbra lunar eclipse, it is quite beautiful as the light reflection of the sun off the moon gradually eases into a somewhat eerie hue then darkens due to the shadow cast by our big blue planet.<br />
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I feel as if that is an apt metaphor for my experience this past year. I had a notion of what was expected and I looked away, toward something unexpected, something distracting then I return my gaze and there, hovering like a magical moon, my life was lit up... and I felt warm, open and flushed with excitement.<br />
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Life simply is not black and white. There are not only many shades of grey, but I would add that there are countless colors that make their way to us if we have the eyes to see such things. If we take the time to gaze in open wonder.. if we return our vision again and again, we may see the process of change before our eyes. But so often we get distracted, we lose our focus and forget to return our vision to the path that originally whispered its magic to us.<br />
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Nothing draws us more into the black or white judgment mode than our moments of greatest challenge. Isn't it ironic that it is in our moments of challenge when we need most to remain clear thinking and grounded in order to respond to the present challenge with wisdom and perhaps some dignity? These are the moments, above all others we need to not make immediate, severe assessments such as, THIS is BAD.. or THIS is GOOD.Diane "Standing Wolf" Collinshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09257112459361186610noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2564487324541479918.post-81975268438662860472009-08-02T19:57:00.000-07:002009-08-02T20:46:52.458-07:00Summer: The Heat Is On<span style="font-family: arial;">It is hard to believe, but, summer is in its final stages.<br /><br />It was my intention to have many posts by this point of summer. It seems however, the wheel of fortune has spun me an unexpected collection of experiences that have given me pause and required more of my mental focus than anticipated.<br /><br />Living life by the seat of one's pants can be very tricky business. No surprise more folks don't just JUMP on the heart-guided path that leans ever more off-the-grid. .. and into "the wilds" of one's heart if not those of the physical plain.<br /><br />This seemingly haphazard journey has brought a flurry of realizations that have required I face the magnitude and heat of my personal demons as well as learn to be more mindful of (and allowing for), the flow of abundance.<br /><br />This should be no surprise if you have had more than a couple conversations with me in the past two years.<br /><br />Learning to embrace abundance has been my primary, deliberate and intense focus since I moved to the lush, special apartment where my dear friend Rumi, (the cat) was killed by a stray dog. It was this apartment that I was tethered to as I traveled to England and Ireland during the completion of my "Canine Communication Certification" with Jan Fennell, and subsequent spirit work in Ireland. It was this same apartment I resided in as I faced the world on the heels of the loss of Attah, (the dog who inspired the year long journey that is upcoming and the heart centered reason for this blog).<br /><br />Each of the pinnacle moments mentioned above offered powerful shifts that have influenced my current path and repeatedly, in the face of contrast (or great challenge), offered a reawakening to abundance on the heels of each instance.<br /><br />At this time, I have been offered the opportunity to see myself in the reflection of human eyes as I learn again to explore the catacombs of my own heart and gently place my feet in the halls of the heart of another.<br /><br />It seems as if every step of the way the experiences on this journey have allowed for a refinement of focus and a strengthening that can only happen when we face the fire of life's challenges. Of course, facing the fire of one's heart and one's life has the potential to bring about powerful changes. Whether these changes remain on the path or offer clutter for the path is the question, isn't it?<br /><br />My heart continually returns to the centered belief that there is no such thing as coincidence. And yet, I waver on occasion, in those moments when the furnace blast surprises me and I forget my footing. However, there remains a mystery to this process that feels alchemical and in that way, always speaks of fortune in the end.<br /><br />On that note, I have renewed my commitment to this blog and will, in short order, return to this blog, to share with you the development of the unfolding that has lead to my journey.<br /><br />A dear spirit-friend of mine in Ireland reminded me in early summer that, while my physical journey has not yet begun, there is the possibility that the inner journey I have undertaken by stepping into relationship with someone is a big part of my larger journey. My journey was intended, after all, as a path to go inward.. and THAT I am surely doing.<br /><br />Until next post...<br />repeat after me, "I relinquish my grasp on limitation, so I may allow the flow of abundance.. "<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></span>Diane "Standing Wolf" Collinshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09257112459361186610noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2564487324541479918.post-6911512664950281032009-01-27T14:31:00.000-08:002009-01-28T14:48:25.395-08:00Winter's Dark Before the Dawn<span style="font-family:arial;">It is amazing to me how my heart and mind <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">fluctuate</span> between taking the front seat of perception.<br /><br />This passing month I, like many, have felt myself stumbling in focus and function. This awkward time brings its challenges but it too offers opportunities.<br /><br />Just this morning I was speaking with a dog loving colleague about how the heart, mind and spirit can struggle for dominance and that this seems to be the primary block in every area of our life, no matter the manifestation of the external struggle.<br /><br />I ponder this thought as I recall all of January and its fluctuations. There have been marvelous realizations, new, powerful friendships forged and developing bonds deepened through the trial and error necessary in finding our way on this plain.<br /><br /><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">Yona</span> and I have hit moments of challenge. He is, after all, a teenager. It is his duty, particularly at this time, to test the boundaries. It is my job to hold steady and allow him this opportunity to stretch his internal and external muscles in a framework that is a fine balance of acceptance and healthy, calm, judicial boundary. I have had my slip ups, like any human. Each time I right myself and return to the grounded creature I know I am capable of being, he returns to the calm, happy, respectful center that is his predominant nature.<br /><br />Through the course of our last couple months of challenge, I have found myself calling upon my dear companion <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">Attah</span> for assistance.<br /><br />This might seem odd to some of you. But, honestly it happened on impulse initially and offered such clarity and manifestation of concrete alignment that I have subsequently returned to her repeatedly. On each <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">occasion</span> I have felt "visited" by my dear canine friend in a very subtle fashion for days at a time.<br /><br />On the first <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">occasion</span> my request for her gentle guidance was supported by a dream that was followed by three days of serious discomfort in the region of my thigh/ hip area. (The same leg that was <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">Attah's</span> injured leg in her last weeks with me) The morning after my late night prayer for guidance from that gentle soul, my leg gave me such powerful moments of discomfort that, on <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6">occasion</span> I could barely stand.<br /><br />I was baffled by this instant moment of pain and could not fathom what on earth was it's cause. When I searched my mind... I saw her beautiful form standing within my mind's vision. It was then that I realized the night I reached out to her, I asked specifically for a sign that she was present.<br /><br />What other, more poignant, sign could <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_7">Attah</span> offer then the impact of discomfort in the exact location where her injury resided on our last meeting on this plain? (<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_8">Attah's</span> pain in the same region of her leg was due to bone cancer that was specifically isolated to the head of her left femur/ tip of her thigh bone where it sat in the socket of her pelvis.)<br /><br />Many of you probably consider the possibility that I made this happen all within the confines of my own mind, right? Many strong, intelligent minds whisper: this moment of pain was "psychosomatic".<br /><br />We all must find definitions that "fit" for us... safety, and comfort in our perceptions make it easier for us to relax and find our best sense of well being. I understand and accept this notion readily. </span><span style="font-family:arial;"> (In my vision these perceptions are not mutually exclusive but rather two vantage points from which to view a single experience.)</span><br /><span style="font-family:arial;"><br />However, personally speaking, my heart gives voice to another kind of "knowing". The wonderful bit of details that might help flesh out my experience for you is that for the three days following my request for assistance from Attah, I had the most profound pocket of patience with Yona that I have known in my experience with him. That experience has contributed to a greater opening to the doe within me that resides deep within the belly of the wolf.<br /><br />I recognize, from the clear advantage of hind sight, that this is the best example of the energy of my dear companion who has moved on across the veil. Attah's spirit was the embodiment of the power of the "Doe". If we consider the "Doe" from the vantage point of Native Tradition, we know her as a powerful force of inarguable strength that is centered on gentleness. "She" is, in many fashions, likened to the Buddha in her strength in quietness. When we know our strength we don't need to demonstrate it in physical prowess or force. Attah was for me THIS sort of warrior. She was a most profound gentle soul who was at the same time a brave, confident and contented creature who "knew" herself and the world around her well enough to not need to force ANYTHING.<br /><br />This is but a glimpse into why it is I feel it necessary to write a book about my experiences with her. I feel she continues to inform my life specifically on this issue. Add to that the exploration of this concept and how it applies to my personal walk and the larger human experience and documenting that inward journey.<br /><br />So, for much of January I have been immersed in a kind of dark cloud of question. My searching has revealed time and again amazing glimpses of the most profound realizations that have me catapulting into the great, wonderous discovery of expansion. I am finding amazing moments of alignment with others and with my greatest passions in discussion and experience.<br /><br />... now if I can work that same magic on my finances... it would be REALLY easy to not fret about a single thing... when in reality I have countless teachers that keep telling me this... from sparrows to my 110+lb puppy...<br /><br />When I think about the challenges of this past year... the loss of Attah, the death of my niece's husband and the death of a wonderful friend, Karl.. I think about the subsequent wave of darkness that immersed me into this new angle of perceiving... and can not help but see it all as gift.. and isn't it just like life... that it is always 'darkest before the dawn'?<br /><br />... sending blessings..<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></span>Diane "Standing Wolf" Collinshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09257112459361186610noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2564487324541479918.post-42163962958490510052008-12-20T07:54:00.000-08:002009-01-28T15:38:10.751-08:00Holiday Gifts<div style="text-align: justify;">The mass-media holidays are upon us. The powerful presence of the consumer driven society we live in can be a bit much at times. I find when I slow down it is easier for me to hear the living presence or the pulse of nature and the spirit that is its core. When I do this I am able to find my balance and remember the importance of hearth and home. This is especially helpful for me this time of the year when we are seduced into a different understanding about physical package and giving by the date on the calendar and not the pattern of our own knowing.<br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-weight: bold;">The Gift of Animals:</span><br />Having animals in my life help me to return to that quiet center repeatedly. Their "wild" eyes remind me of my own roaming spirit and their presence brings me back to the body in joy.<br /><br />The animal companions that I have joined on my journey are the teachers I gravitate towards for their grounded nature, their fluid connection to source and the gravitas they express daily.<br /><br />This holiday season I carry special appreciation for the animal lives that have gone on beyond the veil and into the mystery as well as the special boy who lies just a few feet from me as I type this. He is now my solo canine companion, (for the time being).<br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 102, 0); font-weight: bold;">The Mystical Gift</span><br />I am speaking of Yona (Bear), (aka: Yodohi/ Peaceful Bear). He was born February 2, 2009. He joined our pack after an extraordinary series of events that made in clear to me he was being presented to me. It was my choice whether or not to bring him in.<br /><br />Spring was opening its door to abundance. The light was warming all it touched and business was picking up when I was struck by an other worldly experience that pointed toward a new life coming to join us.<br /><br />By then, Attah, Cricket and I were getting settled after our challenging winter. It was a very cold and emotional fall and winter with powerful lessons to learn, but with it came a deeper awareness and a kind of cleansing or purifying of my life focus and spiritual practice.<br /><br />Spring was a welcomed guest that brought with it a new, clearer vision and a kind of opening I have not experienced in many years.<br /><br />This powerful shift began one bright sunny, productive day. I was reclining as I wrote out notes for my next day. The TV was running, light was pouring in, the colors of my sun porch offered a subtle glow that was the backdrop for my light hearted contemplation of the next day's business that needed tending. I was relaxed as my thought flowed in a restful, productive manner. Attah laid near the bed, relaxed also. As I wrote I was stopped by an unexpected image that presented itself for my review.<br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 102, 0);">Interconnectedness and the Flow of Wisdom</span><br />Over the years, I have considered that we all are a kind of conduit, when we get ourselves aligned with the stream of consciousness... information just flows. Those of us who live outside the box a bit more then others.. have an added plus that helps to remove the barriers that bind us to a notion of what life is. In the release of expectation that life fits any particular nature we allow it to flow to us in uncommon ways. This is the best, brief explanation I might offer those of you who have not yet experienced such a thing. But, I am not a special being, I am not a psychic, I am not a person striving to or accomplishing anything of a supernatural fashion. But things happen that we do not always fully understand. Things of this nature have happened to me since I was 12 years old. I have learned to trust them. They have not once proven false and have, in every instance but one been verified.<br /><br />The way I have come to understand these experiences is this; I am a person who, from time to time, accidentally falls upon a kind of open place within me that allows for information and inspiration to flow in startling ways. Although I will say, at 44 years of age, it no longer startles me, it might startle others who have not yet experienced this.<br /><br />These experiences do however invigorate me. They remind me again that we are all connected to one another and to our source energy. (Give that term whatever name feels appropriate to you. What I reference has been called stream of consciousness. Some call this the "The Creative Force". There are endless names for this infinite source of energy and wisdom that moves beyond the confines of our time/ space reality. I consider it the source of all of life, the energy that binds all things together. Many call it God, Allah, Yaweh, Creator.<br /><br />It stands to reason that if we are all created from the same source and of the same "stuff" then we are indeed unified. And, it follows that there is no reason to believe we would ever be separate from that source since every fiber of our environment, our form, and the living things that make up our universe are all, every single bit of it made of energy that is interconnected. Einstein proved this to us many years ago with his theory of relativity. All things in our cosmos are made of energy.<br /><br />My experience has taught me that we all have access to this endless source of knowledge and because it unifies all of us in one body, all of humanity and all living things including the most minute aspects of nature are intertwined in a living dance. (Science supports this idea when we look at life from the vantage point of the subatomic level. We are all made of energy that moves with a mystery that the greatest minds are attempting to unravel. Reference the films "What the Bleep Do We Know", "Mind Walk" to expand on this.) When we look at life through this lens we are better able to remove the barriers that restrict the flow of this abundant source that is our (and all of life's) heritage.<br /><br />My recent personal exploration of this has made it clear to me that when we find ourselves, or work ourselves toward a better feeling place, where we are able to be optimistic, clear, aligned with this abundant source of peace, creativity and abundance we become open to the natural flow of this energy and wisdom. We then allow the natural conduit quality of our awareness to give way to a free flow of those around us and those that might be similarly aligned. If we are especially creative in the process, these seemingly mystical, although completely natural elements present themselves in a manner that can be downright playful. This makes sense to me when I think about joy being our reason for existing. This has been my long held childhood belief that we are here to live in the joy of creation, creating our daily lives and our larger lives as we go.<br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 102, 0);">How Yona Found Us</span><br />This particular sunny day was just one of those moments. I was pleasantly surprised by a vision that presented itself as I laid there writing my to do list for the next day. Lying there, as clear as day I saw a long haired black shepherd. He was not jet black, but rather, had fawn colored legs with black on his toes and fawn eye brows. Being an artist and a human deeply embedded to the visual world with a particular focus on animals, I stopped what I was doing to gather up this image with as much clarity as possible. I studied his form, he was panting, I knew he was male. He laid there relaxed and resting. He was calm and pleasant, someone's good companion.<br /><br />I was allowed an enormous pocket of time to gather his image into my mind's eye before it finally grew faint and my day returned to the normal "concrete" reality we all ordinarily reside in. I had a substantial opportunity to study his form fully and listened to my heart to discern why this dog was presented to me.<br /><br />At the time, I had no intention of getting a second dog. Although, when Rumi, Attah and I moved to that apartment, the thought did come to me. It was, after all an enormous yard and Attah had made it clear to me, she might like a special, particular male companion. But, between the winter we just endured and the fact that there were already 4 dogs in that yard and 3 of them were not my dogs, it seemed prudent to wait to bring a puppy into our world. My concern had been the other dogs might offer an influence that was counter productive. But, I was intrigued by this "vision" and wanted to learn more about this animal and why it was presented to me.<br /><br />That evening I jumped on the internet and googled "long haired, black shepherd" just out of curiosity. Although I had little confidence this is how we track the mystery of life... it seemed a logical place to explore the possibilities. My search led me to thousands upon thousands of sites, of course... and I laughed at myself as I looked at the numbers of hits this query presented. The first of which was a TV interview with a dog handler who was responsible for finding a 12 year old boyscout who had been lost in the woods for 4 days. The rescue dog's name was Gandolf. I was touched by the story and the dog was strikingly alike the dog that visited me earlier that day. I laughed to myself though really when I looked again at the thousands of hits I had to explore.<br /><br />As I dug into the list of sites I kept returning to my first hit about Gandolf. I could not stop thinking about him. And he was the closest in feeling and in image when I closely considered this dog that magically appeared to me. The last time I reviewed the article about his rescue, I noticed there was a website for his handler, Misha at the bottom of the article. In a moment of relaxed exploration, I clicked on the link and up popped Misha's website. As the home page loaded, there I saw Gandolf in the upper left corner of the site, lying in exactly the same pose as the dog that visited me hours before. It was startling to go over all of the subtle details in his coat and body structure to realize this was indeed the same dog... or in the very least this dog had the exact same physical appearance as the mystic dog of my vision.<br /><br />As I settled into the website it was an added to treat to learn that Gandolf was a Shiloh Shepherd. They are not all that common, they are part of the rare breed association and if I were to get a second dog, it would be a shiloh. My girl, Attah was a shiloh shepherd after all and she was my dream dog. It seemed only fitting for her companion, if she was to have one, to be of her own kind.<br /><br />My interest began to build.<br /><br />Contemplating my next move led me to writing a note to Misha about my uncommon story. I have found these things come through best when all my cards are on the table. So, I wrote a quick, frank note with this woman about the uncommon path that led me to her site. I began by writing, " This may seem odd but...." Her prompt reply was, "That does not sound odd at all. I am accustomed to life presenting itself this way." This began our month long dialog that ultimately led to an additional interesting unfolding.<br /><br />After a brief conversation, Misha suggested I fill out a puppy application to begin our dialog. I was under no obligation but it might offer us a better framework in which to explore the possibilities. I agreed. With that application I included two references to two other shiloh breeders I had relationships with. One had grown to be a very dear friend of mine who is down in Maryland, with Mt Airy Shilohs.<br /><br />In a couple days I got a note from Mt Airy Shilohs. My friend Nancy was surprised by the note about the puppy possibilities. She expressed her surprise by stating, "I did not know you were looking for a puppy." I assured her I was not looking, but then explained to her this uncommon situation, knowing she'd understand this, her sensibility and mind on such issues are much aligned. She told me, "Well, that sounds very important. And I'd hate to confuse such a valuable process with this thought. But, I have been thinking of you and awful lot these past few months and have wanted to call you. There is a litter from one of Mt Airy Shiloh progeny in Michigan and I am due the pick of the litter. I really want a boy but, am just not able to take one into my home right now and have been trying to imagine where that boy might be raised. This is an important litter that will contribute some serious changes to the lines and I want very much to bring one of those pups home but need to find a good home for him and I keep thinking of you."<br /><br />It was touching Nancy would consider our home as the right one for her pup. But, I restated I really wasn't LOOKING .. but that this just presented itself and I felt I really needed to pay attention to the dog I was drawn to and not follow my ego pursuits. She understood and gently added, if you have time, just take a peek at the site where you can see the litter's father.<br /><br />Around the same time I was still in dialog with Misha Dayspring Shiloh Shepherds (out of TN). By then Misha had suggested I explore the dogs on her list. She offered me a link, which I checked out with some reservation. I wanted to be certain I did not stray from Gandolf since he seemed to be the dog that "came" to me. "But", I thought, "what harm is there in just looking at these beautiful dogs". As I reviewed the dozen or so males on her list I felt no spark for any of them except one particular male that utterly captivated me. I was in a silly dialog with myself about the ego draw of package and the seduction of the physical form. It was easy to want to claim a dog that might be the product of such gorgeous form and color and presence. But I reminded myself that I thought I wanted a dark sable dog when I found Attah and although she was nothing at all like the physical form of her mother, she was an animal I'd be hard pressed to top when it came to intelligence, gentleness and connection.<br /><br />I'd find myself return to that big dog's image over and over as I contemplated what it might be in him that held my gaze. About the 4th or 5th visit to that lovely face and a few days later Nancy with Mt Airy wrote me again, inquiring if I took a look a the male she wanted me to see. I had not, and I told her I would. So, dutifully, I followed her link and was stunned silent as the page opened. Here before me was the specific male I had been so captivated by over and over again. This was the precisely the dog that has held my gaze for days, perhaps longer.<br /><br />The dog I was entranced by was "Carter". He's living in his home in Cananda. To this day I am not sure what site Misha led me to.. but am grateful she followed her intuition and had the clarity of wisdom to speak freely with this crazy woman and her dog vision. So these are the odd specifics broken down:<br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 153, 0);">The Process Broken Down<br />1. I had a vision of a long haired black shepherd.</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 153, 0);">2. The first site uncovered on my google search was that of Gandolf having rescued a 12 yr old boy.</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 153, 0);">3. The bottom of the article offered a link to the handler's dog website.</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 153, 0);">4. The website posted (at the time) the main picture immediately visible on the home page, a dog that appeared to be the exact dog in precisely the exact pose as presented in the vision.</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 153, 0);">5. I filled out an application for puppies to speak in depth with Misha and included references to Mt Airy Shilohs.</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 153, 0);">6. Nancy, from Mt Airy Shilohs contacted me, remarking I have been on her mind with regard to a pup she was expecting from a litter in Michigan.</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 153, 0);">7. She asked me to see the father of the litter. I did not at the time follow through.</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 153, 0);">8. I was similarly led by Misha to look at a list of dogs that were responsible for litters at that time.</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 153, 0);">9. After reviewing the long list of lovely dogs, the ONLY one that caught my eye was a large male up in Canada.</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 153, 0);">10. After finally following Nancy's request, I found that the male she wanted me to see and the one I was captivated by, thanks to Misha's contribution, were indeed one in the same dog.</span><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 102, 0);"></span>At that time I considered the alignment and the likelihood of my bringing a new life into our living space. There was little question at that point.. but I remained with my reservations because I knew I was not as grounded as I would need to be to offer a puppy the best of me. I was still carrying some hesitation on the heels of Rumi's death and had the other dogs and neighbors to consider. The yard we shared was an expansive open space. No fences divided us, so when my neighbors dogs or my dog(s) were out they all had free access to one another and to everyone's portion of the yard. Not ideal. Also, cash was slow moving at the time, so there was the concern of coming up with the cash for purchase as well as the cash for the necessary early vet bills to secure the pup's health as well as upkeep in daily maintenance. I just was not convinced I was ready to take it all on.<br /><br />After a couple weeks of discussing it, it turns out Nancy and I were seeking the same personality, and had many needs that were aligned. Attah needed a particular personality so she would feel safe and not subdued. I wanted a large dog, so did Nancy. She offered him at a highly discounted fee, knowing my life as a canine guide who's spirit life was kept alive thanks to daily visits to the woods. This was looking like a match made in heaven. The rest I just gave up, let go and allowed the powers that be to direct me on this new, exciting path.<br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 102, 0);">The Confirmation That Made it Final<br /></span>The necessary preparations were made and we began the process. By then the pups were a week or two away from being sent to their new homes. Nancy and I had plans to drive to Michigan together to make the selection. After managing a series of hurdles, I finally found myself at a stand still just days before our departure. My truck died and I had no cash to address it. I needed to stick close to home to repair and gather work for those repairs.<br /><br />One thing I knew, if I could trust ANYONE to pick out a dog for me, it would be Nancy.<br /><br />She was up for 4 or 5 days, making the selection. Because she had pick of the litter, she was allowed the time to make her selection after very careful consideration. There was a temperament test to assess the boy's personality. The woman running the test, one of the top in her field was clear the "ONLY" pup to pick, based on Nancy's personality criteria was this one individual boy, out of 9 pups total. Nancy, not unlike myself, set the opinion aside, knowing she had to decide for herself ultimately. After all, this pup was being selected as the best fit for her breeding pool and future progeny. There was body structure and body expression to consider as well as personality.<br /><br />While all that went on, I remained in Philly visiting the site periodically that showed the pups at 5 weeks. It is hard to know for sure what any dog is going to look like when we are assessing form the vantage point of 5 weeks of age. Coloration changes a great deal and my eye was not skilled in this particular arena. However... one thing I was clear about, one little boy kept getting my attention, but, by the photos he appeared to be much smaller then the others and I really wanted a big for my girl. Well, a big boy would fullfill my life long desire to have a larger then life boy dog to wrestle with, lean on as a pillow and romp with in the woods.<br /><br />Nancy arrived in Michigan late Tuesday night, and was taking her time selecting, she planned to choose on Saturday. It was Thursday evening, two days since we spoke that I had a second unusual thing occur that I now look back upon fondly with a smile and secret knowing.<br /><br />I was sitting in my apartment, lost in thought, when I felt my cat, Cricket, brush against my leg. Without looking I reached down to stroke his coat. I noticed there was no cat within reach. As I turned to look, I saw Cricket was not at my side. I was in the room alone with the exception of a small puppy sitting about a foot and a half away, staring at me. He sat perfectly calm and content with his head ever so slightly cocked to one side.<br /><br />I noticed he was wearing a pink collar made of yarn. His soft face was filled with a gentleness and joy. He just looked at me. He did not come to me in the fashion of a photograph but more like a hologram of a living animal. I knew him to be alive although he was still. It was more akin to a 3D photograph that was slightly misted.. and translucent.<br /><br />While gazing at him I noticed his pink little collar and recognized him as the little pup I had admired just a day before. I smiled.. and then laughed out loud when I spoke to him, "You are very cute. But you are too small. You can't come." I just shook my head and went about my business.<br /><br />Saturday late in the day my much awaited call from Nancy came. I asked her, "OK, who'd ya pick?" She said I tried very hard not to pick this boy, after I was led to him by the woman doing the personality test. She told me he was the only pick for our personality needs. But after looking at all the pups with all their "faults" in body structure, (that's a breeder thing.. ) the only option was to pick the "pink boy".<br /><br />I just smiled warmly.... I guess I'm getting a very special puppy. She agreed and we shared our laughter and amazement at the wonderful world we live in with all its mystery and powerful desire. Attah and I went to pick up Yona in Maryland, March 30, 2008.<br /><br />As an artist, animal communication specialist and intense observer, I watched closely as Yona and Attah went through their proper introductions. It was clear to me this boy intended to be Attah's superior one day. And she made it clear she was fine with this choice. I thought to myself," this special boy would make her a good companion one day". He walked up to her at 7 weeks, as if he were 130lbs. If he had a step stool, he would have saddled up next to her and draped his head over her shoulder. She did a celebratory dance saved only for the mature males that she sees as apt studs that meet her approval.<br /><br />The next three months she nurtured that boy with the finest balance of gentleness, boundary and acceptance of his calm, confident growing position within our pack.<br /><br />We lost that dear dear friend to bone cancer June 2008. But that story is blended with its own mystery and blessings. That will have to wait til the next little novella/ posting. Until then, remember, the best gifts often come in the most unexpected fashions.</div>Diane "Standing Wolf" Collinshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09257112459361186610noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2564487324541479918.post-3520938633199883732008-11-23T06:51:00.000-08:002008-11-23T09:10:34.328-08:00Fall in Freedom<div style="text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: times new roman;">Fall often brings lessons for me. There must be something about going into "the dark" of winter that brings life's exercises closer to the surface where we are forced to address them as we go inward into winter.<br /><br />I often think of the metaphor of hibernating. The planet hides its growth from us, yet within the cold soil, roots grow stronger as in the case of the great oak. It is in winter that the oak tree fortifies itself for the coming year. The roots grow stronger, broader in early, cold fall and winter weeks. We know that bears along with many mammals, go into a womb-like return to darkness and rest as the cold winter months creep in.<br /><br />As I write this I can not help but wonder, what do polar bears and other hibernating animals dream? Are they doing their soul work in those dark moments of isolation?<br /><br />This fall carries with it a more poignant reminder then I can think of in recent years that I have much to be grateful for.<br /><br />I am grateful for the powerful lessons that stay with me and help me to evolve ever closer to balance and the rhythm of a life based on awareness and growth. The impact of these lessons spark my consciousness awake and force me to the keyboard and now, to this blog.<br /><br />Today, I will begin with the events that lead to the changes that are the impetus for this blog.<br /><br />It was this time last year that I was dealing with the loss of another dear companion, Rumi, the cat.<br /><br />Rumi was a remarkable, artful cat who was colored like a Sumi painting with large circular dabs of grey that colored him in a unique way. He was a most artfully colored creature that had the spirit of an artist. He was in common cat-like fashion inquisitive. But, he'd go a step further and clearly create a daily play pattern that as best as I could tell was largely based on his imagination. One of his most notable moments was discovering that he could climb the antique ladder that was my staircase to the loft for a couple years. Each rung on this old "A" frame ladder had a good 18" between rungs. He quickly taught himself to climb the ladder one day and used it from that point forward to entertain me, or so it seemed.<br /><br />Rumi presented himself to us, (myself, Attah and Cody a few years ago) atop the blazing hot roof of an abandoned building not far from my (then) Germantown studio. He shared a few short years with us.<br /><br />Rumi immediately accepted Attah and Cody, (both mature shiloh shepherds that I shared my life with at that time). He was an important teacher for me in many ways. Primarily, his very playful nature reminded me that I lived a life far too wrapped into serious focus at the expense of my need for joy.<br /><br />The building that housed the marvelous 1200 sq' studio we lived in was sold to a new owner which drastically changed our world. The sun filled glass walls, the ever present expansive sky, sunrise and sunset views daily, the skylight, wood stove and steel frame loft, (that I built with the help of a dear friend) were all soon to be something of the past. Letting go of the idea of this place was </span><span style="font-family: times new roman;">a big adjustment for me</span><span style="font-family: times new roman;">. But I was far enough along my journey of visualizing my future that I found manifested before me the perfect little space.<br /><br />This was a place I had eye balled a few years prior with the idea of buying it. It was not, at that time for sale. As it turned out the gentleman that bought the Kendrick Building, (where my large corner studio was located), also recently purchased and renovated the house I was about to move into.<br /><br />This place offered my dear Attah an opulent yard that was 100 feet deep and four properties wide. She had managed 5 years without a proper yard. Largely she did fine with this as our world was so deeply immersed in the woods of the Whissahickon. The shared yard of our new property included a modest little apartment, with two sets of French doors that opened onto the shared brick courtyard on one side and a more private slate deck for dining under a pair of old cedars. The apartment rested on the ground floor of a wonderful old home built in the 1750's. I thought the screened in porch would be a good safe place for my dear buddy Rumi.<br /><br />I agreed to that apartment, believing it would afford Attah and I the opportunity to live a bit more luxuriously. No more shower down the hall for me. I could say goodbye to the two burner Coleman stove that was my range and oven for 5 years and hello to the proper four burner stove and actual oven of apartment living. It was time to have a real sink instead of the industrial sink that I had nearly grown accustomed to. The opportunity to have an actual bedroom, bathroom and the unbelievable luxury of a bathtub was a powerful enough draw! My body needed that change above all else and I concluded if my rent was going to double, I wanted some luxuries I had been living without those 5 years of studio living.<br /><br />We were there only a few weeks and Rumi had grown understandably frustrated watching us play in the yard without him. He was, after all, our good buddy. We shared nearly all good things with him. I was torn with the idea of allowing him this powerful freedom at the cost of his safety. There was a street right at our front door that emptied to Lincold Drive, a major roadway leading to the city. Our street was a busy one, though you'd not know it from the idyllic setting that quieted the noisy city.<br /><br />Over the next couple weeks, I checked and measured Rumi's willingness to join up with me when I called him to my side. Immediately, I found (once reinforced with food), he'd gladly come when he was called and more importantly, I saw within him the panther arise with his new found freedom.<br /><br />Rumi revealed this fluid, powerful presence the first day he discovered the large magnolia in the back yard. After sitting at its base, as he appeared to ponder the tree and all its branches, I went over and scratched my hands head level on the body of this ancient tree encouraging him to climb. Which he did, after a long claw anchored stretch that must have lengthened his spine, perhaps in prep for the climbing. After exploring the ancient wonder, he seemed imbued with a primitive force. When he returned to the ground he did so as if being moved by an entirely different motivation. It was inarguable to me, this was something that would add an immeasurable richness to his daily life. In that moment I set aside my notion of the "indoor cat" and embraced Rumi's need to be a "cat" in the large yard that was now our home.<br /><br />Over the coming weeks, we worked out the kinks of this agreement. The rules I established were this.<br /><br /> 1. Rumi could be outside whenever Attah and I were, provided he came when he was called, which was richly rewarded with praise and meat treats.<br /> 2. Rumi was allowed to go out in the presence of his canine buddy Attah in the pre-dawn hour before humans were on the streets with their many wheeled cat killers which would later be zooming about with little concern for someone as small and seemingly insignificant as Rumi.<br /> 3. If I heard cats fighting or saw a stray cat, I'd have Attah go break up the fight and/ or find Rumi to escort him inside in an effort to ensure his safety.<br /><br />These rules, although they required I wake up at 4 or 4:30 to let them out, seemed fair enough. It ensured his safety, or seemed to since he seemed compliant to staying within the boundaries of our very spacious yard. It allowed both of them loads of yard time to explore, play and nap without constant human supervision. And, I had the confidence that Attah would help to keep Rumi safe, with her watchful, protective nature at his side.<br /><br />Three things I had not considered were:<br /><br /> 1. Rumi trumped Attah's position in her perception of the hierarchy. Which is important if you know the details of this hierarchy. If Rumi was a higher rank then she in our pack, he could do as he pleased unless I intervened and directed her to intercept him for any reason. So, Rumi, in her perception at liberty to manage his life as he saw fit when I was not present.<br /><br /> 2. The gate, (that enclosed the next property that butted against ours) that ordinarily remained locked except on Sunday morning for the church service was unlocked one very particular Friday night/ Saturday morning. (from that point forward, the coming year), not once did I see that lot unlocked on a Friday night/ Saturday morning. This is a powerful bit of knowledge for me to carry from my current vantage point.<br /><br /> 3. Rumi befriended the stray cat, I later found out lived under the porch of the apartment we shared together.<br /><br />It was the combination of these three unexpected details that lead to the death of that wonderful little boy, our dear friend Rumi. He was a cheerful, calm, playful ball of joy that shared our bed. He'd often be seen cuddled next to Attah in her crate or on the bed together in one warm and toasty ball of love.<br /><br />I awoke </span><span style="font-family: times new roman;">abruptly</span><span style="font-family: times new roman;"> that fateful morning at approximately 4:15, to the sound of what seemed to be a cat fight. I assumed a cat fight, although to this day all I hear in my mind is the sound of one cat defending itself. Even a cat fight was sound enough to spring me from my bed, in urgent speed to do what I could to prevent possible injury to my little buddy Rumi. I ran barefoot across the yard in my robe, no glasses.. assuming Attah would be close by. She was barely aware of what was happening as I sped past her to the sound of battle.<br /><br />My poor eyesight, coupled with my still sleep-clouded brain could not make out the image I was seeing. I kept thinking cat fight.. but could only make out Rumi standing in defense on the ground and the black stray, later named "Cricket" sitting high above him on a platform. Cricket's eyes were, oddly, not focused on Rumi but instead locked in on the same mysterious target that Rumi had spied and that I was yet able to make out.<br /><br />In my delirium I called to Rumi. He turned and looked at me. And I heard a rushing. I felt helpless without my vision and as fast as I could, I ran back to the apartment to grab my glasses. Still thinking it was a cat fight, I returned and saw clearly there was a stray dog standing five feet from Rumi. The rest remains a (thankful) blur.<br /><br />I yelled ferociously at the offending dog as I did my barefooted best to scale the cyclone fence that divided us. The dog had, by then grabbed Rumi and given him a good shake. With desperate speed I made my way to dear Rumi, the dog quickly departed with my presence exploding onto the scene. I tried to get a good look at Rumi and I knew it was not good. Soon I realized he was facing life threatening injuries. Attah tried to get a peak at her buddy but surely all Rumi could see was another dog coming at him. I saw the panic in his face and heard it rumbling in his throat. I asked Attah to stay back. Clearly she was worried. Perhaps the tension in my voice, perhaps the smell of her buddy injured or some combination but she slinked away and laid out of his vision. With a warm blanket and the haste of fear of pain for and loss of my friend Rumi speeded me to the car and emergency vet.<br /><br />My heart felt as if it were ripped open. It was clear to me, while speeding to the vet that Rumi was moving to hide his body as he prepared to die. I jolted the car onto the grass of Kelly drive to be with him those last moments. I held his head and spoke softly to him, encouraging him to let go. His breathing labored.. I did what I could to soothe him, repeating to him to just let go and it would be over... the pain would stop.<br /><br />I sat with him as and after he passed, telling him what a lovely boy he was and how he was a very good teacher. I let him know how much I enjoyed his company and know that Attah did to. I thanked him for helping Attah to see how nice kitties can be and trusted he was speeding his way to bliss. I told him through great billowing tears how very much I'd miss him. And, I hoped to continue to learn from his lessons of gentle trust and joy.<br /><br />The details of this horrible tale are an important aspect of influence on my state of mind spring 2008 and ultimately colored my decision to move from that centuries old garden and the power that resided there.<br /><br />It was a long dark winter for me last year. All the challenges I faced ran on the heels of losing Rumi just a month or more after our arrival.<br /><br />By spring I was beginning to get my footing. Although we missed the many walks we usually shared in the woods that winter. Spring was approaching and beginning to anchor warmth among us again. As it expanded so did the light within my heart.. and the joy that always await my discovery.<br /><br />Work began to flow more predictably and the light was a great reflection of the joy that was building within me. (I have always been drawn to sunlight. As a child I recall sleeping in the sunspot on the rug in winter at my mother's apartment. There I'd soak up what I was missing during daily winter naps in the sun, thanks to sunny apartments.) One of the benefits of my sun soaked studio that preceded that apartment was that every February I experienced evidence that the sun that filled that space kept my heart better balanced through winter. I was still eager for spring but the sense of urgency for winter to be over was now a thing of the past. Moving to this special yard, with its less then sunny apartment and experiencing life as I did with Rumi brought with it the return of that winter challenge. But, I was well versed in managing dark winters.. and, gratefully had the lovely open yard to spend time in.<br /><br />It was a challenging time, but the lessons were there... waiting for me to listen.<br /><br />Attah endured this time with me with patience, and gentle grace. She and I found time for the woods and visited our friends but much of my time was spent in the apartment, with Attah having more and more solo time in the marvelous yard that became her new home.<br /><br />I had no idea how powerful that winter influenced my life until I had the experience of spring and summer to bring it all in sharp focus. But, that is a story for my next posting. Until then: hold those fuzzy ones close to you, you never know how long you have to be with them.<br /><br />Until next posting: Stay warm...<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></span></div>Diane "Standing Wolf" Collinshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09257112459361186610noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2564487324541479918.post-15788918174596603712008-10-26T14:34:00.000-07:002008-11-08T14:18:31.542-08:00<div style="text-align: justify;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_VGUg-u5MRqg/SRYIKOjtDJI/AAAAAAAAACA/WyvnhyeO9dQ/s1600-h/GCD+clean+logo+or+sm.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer; width: 200px; height: 198px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_VGUg-u5MRqg/SRYIKOjtDJI/AAAAAAAAACA/WyvnhyeO9dQ/s200/GCD+clean+logo+or+sm.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5266405786055937170" border="0" /></a><span style=";font-family:times new roman;font-size:100%;" >"Spirit Dog Waggin' " is the "On The Road", virtual partner of www.GoodCompanionDogs.com. We are utterly devoted to the healing life experiences shared between human and animal.</span><br /></div><br /><div style="text-align: justify;"><span style=";font-family:times new roman;font-size:100%;" >This blog will begin with the real life events shared between the beloved companion "Attah Waya of Ridgewood", who was the motivating force behind the foundation of the dog training business, <span>"GCD"</span> and it's business owner, "Diane "Standing Wolf" Collins, whose life was transformed because of her.</span><br /></div><br /><span style=";font-family:times new roman;font-size:100%;" >May this blog act as an honorarium of sorts to the gentle "Attah Waya".</span><br /><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /><span style=";font-family:times new roman;font-size:100%;" >Our "On The Road" journey begins in Spring 2009, at which time Diane will venture out on a yearlong sojourn into the wilds of this continent as she explores the memory of life with Attah. In addition to the writing of this extraordinary story in book form, Attah's story will be told to new clients and animal rescue organizations and shelters across the U.S. as GCD takes <span style="font-style: italic;">Canine Communication</span> on the road.<br /><br />The hope is to delve into the mystery of what moves beyond the physical form and the known, measurable aspects of canine / human communication and into the unexpected, startling universe of the deeper knowing shared by both our species that transcends the limits of the physical and the linear mind. </span><br /><br /><span style=";font-family:times new roman;font-size:100%;" >You will find here the extraordinary experiences that lead to the initiation of this unexpected shift in personal and professional goals of the founder of Good Companion Dogs.</span><br /><br /><span style=";font-family:times new roman;font-size:100%;" >The most profound influence upon this shift can be credited to the passing of the afore mentioned, dearest of companion animals, "Attah Waya" (aka; Young Lady Wolf) of Ridgewood.</span><br /><br /><span style=";font-family:times new roman;font-size:100%;" >We are often impacted by the profound and subtle influences of the teachers in our midst. For many of us these teachers take unlikely forms. In this journal you will have the great fortune of breathing in aspects of the extraordinary being that continues to share her wisdom through memory and influence beyond the veil of death.<br /><br />... "I am learning that veil can be lifted from time to time. ... I can thank "Attah" for that recognition."<br /><span style="font-style: italic;font-size:85%;" >- Diane "Standing Wolf" Collins, Nov 8, 2008<br /><br /><br /></span></span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;font-size:78%;" >As I prepare for my upcoming year long (or longer) departure from ordinary life... and split my life between my 21' Toyota Dolphin; my new little "Toy Home" and the last vestiges of my philadelphia living, ... my postings may be infrequent. But, I hope to record all the preparations and unfolding stories that will initiate and solidify the powerful journey on which I am about to embark.</span><span style="font-size:78%;"><br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Please, have patience with me..</span></span><br /><br /></div>Diane "Standing Wolf" Collinshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09257112459361186610noreply@blogger.com2