Winter's Dark Before the Dawn

It is amazing to me how my heart and mind fluctuate between taking the front seat of perception.

This passing month I, like many, have felt myself stumbling in focus and function. This awkward time brings its challenges but it too offers opportunities.

Just this morning I was speaking with a dog loving colleague about how the heart, mind and spirit can struggle for dominance and that this seems to be the primary block in every area of our life, no matter the manifestation of the external struggle.

I ponder this thought as I recall all of January and its fluctuations. There have been marvelous realizations, new, powerful friendships forged and developing bonds deepened through the trial and error necessary in finding our way on this plain.

Yona and I have hit moments of challenge. He is, after all, a teenager. It is his duty, particularly at this time, to test the boundaries. It is my job to hold steady and allow him this opportunity to stretch his internal and external muscles in a framework that is a fine balance of acceptance and healthy, calm, judicial boundary. I have had my slip ups, like any human. Each time I right myself and return to the grounded creature I know I am capable of being, he returns to the calm, happy, respectful center that is his predominant nature.

Through the course of our last couple months of challenge, I have found myself calling upon my dear companion Attah for assistance.

This might seem odd to some of you. But, honestly it happened on impulse initially and offered such clarity and manifestation of concrete alignment that I have subsequently returned to her repeatedly. On each occasion I have felt "visited" by my dear canine friend in a very subtle fashion for days at a time.

On the first occasion my request for her gentle guidance was supported by a dream that was followed by three days of serious discomfort in the region of my thigh/ hip area. (The same leg that was Attah's injured leg in her last weeks with me) The morning after my late night prayer for guidance from that gentle soul, my leg gave me such powerful moments of discomfort that, on occasion I could barely stand.

I was baffled by this instant moment of pain and could not fathom what on earth was it's cause. When I searched my mind... I saw her beautiful form standing within my mind's vision. It was then that I realized the night I reached out to her, I asked specifically for a sign that she was present.

What other, more poignant, sign could Attah offer then the impact of discomfort in the exact location where her injury resided on our last meeting on this plain? (Attah's pain in the same region of her leg was due to bone cancer that was specifically isolated to the head of her left femur/ tip of her thigh bone where it sat in the socket of her pelvis.)

Many of you probably consider the possibility that I made this happen all within the confines of my own mind, right? Many strong, intelligent minds whisper: this moment of pain was "psychosomatic".

We all must find definitions that "fit" for us... safety, and comfort in our perceptions make it easier for us to relax and find our best sense of well being. I understand and accept this notion readily. (In my vision these perceptions are not mutually exclusive but rather two vantage points from which to view a single experience.)

However, personally speaking, my heart gives voice to another kind of "knowing". The wonderful bit of details that might help flesh out my experience for you is that for the three days following my request for assistance from Attah, I had the most profound pocket of patience with Yona that I have known in my experience with him. That experience has contributed to a greater opening to the doe within me that resides deep within the belly of the wolf.

I recognize, from the clear advantage of hind sight, that this is the best example of the energy of my dear companion who has moved on across the veil. Attah's spirit was the embodiment of the power of the "Doe". If we consider the "Doe" from the vantage point of Native Tradition, we know her as a powerful force of inarguable strength that is centered on gentleness. "She" is, in many fashions, likened to the Buddha in her strength in quietness. When we know our strength we don't need to demonstrate it in physical prowess or force. Attah was for me THIS sort of warrior. She was a most profound gentle soul who was at the same time a brave, confident and contented creature who "knew" herself and the world around her well enough to not need to force ANYTHING.

This is but a glimpse into why it is I feel it necessary to write a book about my experiences with her. I feel she continues to inform my life specifically on this issue. Add to that the exploration of this concept and how it applies to my personal walk and the larger human experience and documenting that inward journey.

So, for much of January I have been immersed in a kind of dark cloud of question. My searching has revealed time and again amazing glimpses of the most profound realizations that have me catapulting into the great, wonderous discovery of expansion. I am finding amazing moments of alignment with others and with my greatest passions in discussion and experience.

... now if I can work that same magic on my finances... it would be REALLY easy to not fret about a single thing... when in reality I have countless teachers that keep telling me this... from sparrows to my 110+lb puppy...

When I think about the challenges of this past year... the loss of Attah, the death of my niece's husband and the death of a wonderful friend, Karl.. I think about the subsequent wave of darkness that immersed me into this new angle of perceiving... and can not help but see it all as gift.. and isn't it just like life... that it is always 'darkest before the dawn'?

... sending blessings..